3.9 The Paradox of Feeling Safe
Welcome to Devotional Anarchy, a podcast about intimate embodied leadership that is radically human, honest AF and thereby inherently disruptive to systems of disempowerment and disconnection. I am Isha Vela, trauma psychologist certified somatic intimacy Alchemist, wealth wizard shadow doula love anarchist intuitive channel and sovereign business coach, you’re here because you know intimate self connection is the source of everything you want to create in life. And that building safety and trust in your own body is what allows you to fully own and steward your energy and your relationships. Get ready to explore attachments, sexuality, spirituality, self expression and sovereignty and other relational themes from a trauma responsive somatic energetic lens. The conversations and tools shared in this podcast are designed to offer permission to create the abundant life, love and business that lights your soul on fire.
Speaker 1 1:09
Hi, and welcome to Episode Nine, where I’ll be bringing you some trauma informed wisdom that you can use in practically every context of your life, from your relationship with money to your love relationships, and, of course, to your business expansion process. And the reason why I am bringing this today is because you know, I always offer up things that are happening with me personally. And you know, as a mentee, Jenny, I’m also sort of like listening to what’s happening in other people’s lives. And I’m like, oh, yeah, that’s what’s happening in the collective that is what I need to bring in here. So this is why I’m bringing this to you today. And I want to acknowledge that speaking of the collective, as a collective, we have become more trauma informed. And as we have become more trauma informed, there has been more talk about safety, what it means what it means in coaching containers, how to create it in interpersonal interactions, how to regulate yourself back to it, when you’ve been activated, right, there’s so much talk about it. And everybody has a little bit of a different version of what safety means. And in this episode, I’m going to talk about a very paradoxical thing that sometimes happens when you’re feeling safe in your body, after a long time of not feeling safe. So if you’ve experienced trauma, and have been working to create more safety in your body, whether it’s through pleasure practices, or self soothing, that new sense of safety will signal to your body at some point, that it’s now okay, to process some of the deeper stuff it’s been holding. Right? We’re talking here about the armor, it’s had to kind of build up in order to protect itself from the thing that happened. So what often happens when people begin to feel safe, is that they begin to have a trauma release, a healing experience, or a trauma washout? Those are the three different ways that I describe it. And I call it these different things because some traumas or like some trauma, healing experiences are experienced, like, like, yes, like a flood is washing out of your system, right? It’s just kind of like a vomiting up. And for some people, it can feel like a trauma release can feel like a resurgence of PTSD symptoms. And I’ll go into that in a little bit. But what I call the trauma washed out or the trauma release is your body letting go, like I said, of the armoring, or the holding it needed to do in order to get through the traumatic experience, right. And it doesn’t matter if that experience was a one time thing, or something that happened over a long period of time. It is the way that you needed to protect your energy in the moment and it was very, very good that you did that. And like let’s say this, this trauma happened early in your life, then the way you had to armor, maybe it was an ongoing thing and you had to armor up in a way where it became habit because your environment was just consistently Miss attuned for example, and then you learn sort of how to be like that. in your body, and that became the way you are. But it’s actually not the way you are. And as you do your trauma healing work, you might have the experience of like, Oh, I’m creating more safety in your body of safety in my body, I’m learning to accept myself in new ways. I’ve been doing shadow work, and all of a sudden, your body’s like, Oh, we’ve reached the level where we don’t have to do that anymore. It just kind of drops the armor, the armor just kind of fucking falls right off. So I’ll give you some examples of what that might look like. So I’ve seen this happen in a lot of situations. I’ve had clients who after years of being in romantic partnerships, where they were not met, or where the sex was really bad, or where their needs were ignored. And then all of a sudden, they enter these really fulfilling relationships, whether it’s sexually or emotionally or both. They drop into this deep grief. And they’re wondering, why do I feel so sad when I finally feel so at home and satisfied? Well, it’s precisely because you finally feel so at home and satisfying. And it’s this like, it’s the longing that you’ve had, is finally met. That desire is finally met. This wonderful thing that is happening in life touches that awareness of how long you’ve had to go without, right, it hits that point of deprivation in the body. So it, like, pings it. And this happened with me when I started dating after my divorce. And I had some really attentive lovers who really like took their time, and we’re all about the consent. And I was like, I was freaking out, because I just had not, like experienced it in that particular way. And my body would shake. I would sometimes need to scream just like screaming away that just like, like blood curdling scream. Yeah, things of that nature. Yeah, shaking tremoring, that kind of thing. So I’ve also seen it happen, when people make an intentional practice of immersing themselves in pleasure and receiving more, whether it’s part of their business expansion practice, or their personal expansion practice. Maybe it means like, after like, being in hustle mode for a really long time, you take this extra luxurious vacation for two weeks, or you allow yourself to be supported in some way. And you start to notice that like, your brain starts to like after like five days of deep beach rest, and like receiving cocktails, and things like that, and enjoyment, you start to hit that upper limit, right or, or, you know, your body starts to feel like, I can’t do this anymore. Ah, this is not safe, right. And it starts to have some trauma reactions and, and as your body settles, you might have nightmares or things of that nature come up. So one thing that i Another story that I wanted to share is that in my four year certification training, we used to do this intervention. And unfortunately, I never got to experience it, which is like my one regret. But you know, when people felt like they needed, they needed to feel supported, we would actually like lift them off the ground, it was like a cohort of 20 people, we would all be surrounding this person holding them in our arms. And we would be like, right up close to them, we’d have our chests, their their legs, or their, their torso or their head in our chest. And we’d be like, holding them holding their head, holding their arm their, their hips, or their legs or feet and rocking them from side to side. And so they would like they would experience this really big release where they were just kind of like, ah, their whole body would just kind of like, drop that defense or that protection of like, yeah, I can do it alone. I don’t I don’t need anybody. And boom, they would just kind of like just burst into tears. And it was just like, it would just shake them. They would just start to tremor and shake and release. That, that pattern or that belief. Right, that experience of like, well, I’ve always had to do it alone. So like what’s the big deal? And finally, they receive in that place, it pings that place of longing of their their deepest desire, right, and they have a tearful release. So I’ve also seen this happen, where, let’s say a threat is removed, it can be a situation where you have been like, like, really in a strapped financial situation for a really long period of time. And all of a sudden, that threat is removed, you have money all of a sudden, or you have like, a abundance of some sort, it doesn’t need to be money necessarily, but maybe things have been scarce for a little while in a certain area of your life, and all of a sudden, you get a windfall. And it’s like, Oh, my God, your body, the stress, it was holding around finances, let’s say, around having to like, watch every penny, like you’d have to do that anymore. It’s like, Ah, right, the relief leads to a release, right. So release, relief leads to a release. So
Speaker 1 11:12
again, I want to say if you’ve been doing your own healing work for a while, and you increase your pleasure intake consistently over a long period of time, your body will eventually down regulate to a deeper level of safety, and thereby feel safer to process the material that it no longer wants to hold on to. And when the threat is removed, whether the threat is a person or a situation, there’s this internal sense of confusion, before the body can like land in that safety. And when it does, right, the body’s versus like, it’s a safe. And once it recognizes that it is, boom, then the feelings start to come. And you can think like, well, what is happening? Why if the threat is removed, I’m having this reaction, right, our brains want to understand it intellectually. And so what I’m telling you from a body based perspective is that your body is letting it go is finally returning to a healthier homeostasis, is returning to safety is integrating the experience, right? Because when you’re like, when you’re in hyper arousal, your body can’t process the information, it processes to a certain point, and there’s kind of a wall. And when you land in that safety that that valve opens or the wall comes down, and and there it can all happen, right? So I’m going to share that I recently lost my ex husband, and father of my children to suicide. It wasn’t a surprise that it happened, given how in pain he was, and I could feel that. But the timing of it was, and if you’ve been hanging out with me over the last several years, and especially if you know me, personally, you know that all of the alchemy I offer has been through my experience of being married to him co parenting with him, you know, with somebody who has persistent and untreated mental illness, and it’s been the most up to my life right now. It’s been the most challenging ego and integrity work I’ve had to do. Specifically having to work with my own reactivity and desire to like fucking go in for the kill when I’m being threatened. Or having to deal with obstruction and sabotage and just kind of awarding energy. And I’ve been just kind of like, like feeling that rage in me like get out of my way you’re messing with my freedom kind of like and freedom is so important to me. That anything getting in the way of that has been like raw, right? And when that happens, having to find my way back to love, find my way back to compassion, peace back into my heart and moving from a place of love having to take a step back, process all that emotional material and shadow and then put my children’s needs first, which is showing up in integrity with my heart. My heart is like I still love this person. I don’t like what they’re doing. And maybe I don’t like them but I do love them and I love them as a father of my children. And and there’s so much I have to say about it and it’s something that I feel like I’m I’m writing a piece that I’m going to be sharing in the next couple of months but for this podcast episode, I’m going to keep it short and straight to the point in order to survive and even thrive in that co parenting relationship I had to capacitate myself and protect To my energy in very specific ways, I had to pull from these very primal animal parts of my being, I have to summon my inner bitch, which is why, like, I so love the word bitch, and I so reclaimed it, because that fucking bitch saved. My inner bitch saved me. And I had to pull her to protect me, like a healthy protection, not a defensive protection, because I, my killer is my defensive protector, I will fucking take you down, right? Like, if you mess with me, I will hurt you, right? That is my defensive protection, but my inner bitch was a healthy protection, like, No, I’m gonna stand in my truth. I am like, I’m here to protect you. But I’m also like, I’m also like, loving and open. So. So like I said, he passed away recently. And suddenly, and my body, I just went through two weeks of washout trauma wash out. And like I said, they can look lots of different ways for different people, depending on your body and how open you are, and maybe your experience with Cymatics. So as a part of your washout, you may experience a resurgence of PTSD symptoms, ironically enough, right? Because your body finally feel safe to process or receive the wisdom of the healing. Like the integration, that the wisdom that comes from the integration of the healing, it can come in the form of nightmares, right, where you all of a sudden have like, the, the space in your in the psychic realm to kind of process it in the subconscious realm. You may have experiences or moments where you burst into tears, quote, unquote, for no reason, your anxiety might increase and you might dip into grief. And in my particular body, after the training that I’ve done, and how I process information, it’s looked like vomiting, spontaneously shaking or crying uncontrollably without there being a particular prompt or trigger. And in fact, I’ve noticed sort of from my observation, it’s happened in joyful moments, my, you know, I was waking up sort of with a sadness and, and really feeling like, you know, having lost sort of the love of my life, the only person that really loved in this particular way. And then having other moments like that kind of sadness, and then having moments where I burst into tears, when I see like, really beautiful moments when I witnessed, like, like, in the face of this loss and death, right? Pain, opening to like the beauty of life, like how amazing these all these little moments are. And like taking that in, and like feeling this like burst, burst of tears and like opening to the beauty of life. So So when these things happen, like I said, it can feel confusing, because you’re like, but things are so good. Why am I feeling sad? Why am I having nightmares about what happened now that I know that person can’t hurt me anymore, or that I’m finally free? Well, it’s the relief of finally being free. It is the relief of like I was the release of the relief. Like I said earlier, when your body is really really wise, like these, don’t forget that your body is not designed to hold on to things it is not designed to be in hustle. Your body is not designed to hold the culture of whiteness. Your body is not designed to hold trauma, whether it happened in your lifetime, collectively ancestrally it is not designed for that. So in the presence of safety, the most natural, instinctual response is to release. So you don’t want to block that you don’t want to like let your intellect be like, well, I shouldn’t be crying or let me hold back my tears. I’m in a public place. No, like let it happen, let it or create space for it at the very least to let it happen. And create as much safety in your life like the more safety you create in your relationships. In your business. Again, whether it’s through pleasure practices or other means. The more of what is not you of what you were never meant to hold will release will fall away from Meo. And this includes, like I said, ancestral trauma and collective trauma. And by creating safety, you become a processing machine, your body is a processing machine, that is exactly what it is. And so, you know, I often talk about like, the washing machine metaphor, it’s like, put all the clothes in, you wash it out, like that is what your body does, it’s like it’s constantly churning and moving and wanting to, like, clean it all up, kind of like metabolize it. And so the more you process, the more you open your body to being able to, like be fluid, and it’s processing, the quicker you can capacitate your system and scale your business, or call in that spiritual partnership, or, and receive more wealth in your life in all of its forms. Anything you desire really, doesn’t have to be money. It could be relationship, wealth, or time wealth, or a wellness, wealth, right,
Speaker 1 21:06
there are so many different types of wealth that we often don’t think about because, you know, capitalism, capitalism has us chasing the almighty dollar. And so, it’s important as part of like, creating safety. And, you know, of just wanna, I just want to stop for a second here and say, like, well, what, what, how do you create safety? Well, you create safety by like, self acceptance, owning your shadow, like not getting rid of your shadow, not getting rid of any of your internal parts, but really like facing them, and creating really like loving relationships with each of them. Where you can listen to them where you can like, notice what they need and give them what they need. That’s how you create internal safety. And you create a great internal, when you create, create safety in your relationships by having like affirming relationships, loving relationships, friends, who support you allowing yourself to feel supported, right. And by like resting when you need to rest. That’s how you create safety in your body. Your body’s like, oh, yeah, you’re a good, you’re loving to me, you’re good to me, feeding it good food, you know, all of these little pieces create safety. And so centering that internal work of release in your business, or at the very least, balancing your internal work with your external output is so important. Because there will be times where your grief process is so profound, or your release process is so intense, it might not be the right time to post it might not be the right moment to launch. Or you may need to pause a specific area of your business. And when I talk about centering the internal work and centering your human your business, that’s exactly what I what I talk about, like prioritizing this emotional work, this identity work the nervous system capacitation because that is what facilitates everything, when we talk about manifestation. It really is about capacitation manifestation is about capacitation. So you want to be prioritizing the nervous system work, regardless of whether you’re directing your energy towards a love partnership, or, or work or your money healing. Nervous System. capacitation is that central piece, right? It is like the central focus. And like I’ve shared before, like the five pillars are around identity healing, which is the shadow work, it is boundaries. It is about the emotional fluency pieces, right? Like, the mindset. All of these pieces work together the pleasure, they work together to create a stretchier more flexible, nervous system that can then like, hold all of these experiences, right? The things that have really been shifting in your life and integrate them so that you can really like integrate them in your being and sort of like then bring that out into your expression into your life’s work or into your relationships in ways that feel really good and solid to you. All right. I hope this was helpful. I am so glad to be able to share this with you. And I will see you on the next episode. Thank you for listening to today’s episode. Remember to hit the subscribe button to get notified of new episodes dropping on the new and full moons of each month. And if you haven’t already, leave us a five star review on iTunes to make sure that everyone who needs this transmission receives it. Until the next episode I’m sending you fierce, fierce love