

4.14 | Recovering From Financial Fallout After Divorce with Erika Zebedeo
Welcome to Devotional Anarchy, a podcast about intimate embodied leadership that is radically human, honest AF and thereby inherently disruptive to systems of disempowerment and disconnection. I’m Isha Vela, trauma psychologists, certified somatic practitioner, wealth wizard, licensed financial professional leadership coach, and intuitive business mentor. You’re here because you know self intimacy and self knowledge is the source of everything you want to create in your life. And that building safety and trust in your bodies would allows you to fully own and stored your energy in the direction of your desires. This season, get ready for deep dives into wealth building spirituality, emotional leadership, and human centered business with an activist twist. The conversations and tools shared in this podcast are your permission slip to manifest a life and business that lights your soul on fire and supports collective liberation.
All right, so, Erika, we’re gonna get into it today
>> Isha Vela: All right, so, Erika, we’re gonna get into it today. We’re gonna. We’re gonna help people get out of shitty relationships.
>> Erika: Yep. That’s exactly what we’re gonna do.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
I would love for you to start by telling your story
So I would love for you to just begin by telling your story. I will tell also my story. People know my story mostly, but there’s pieces of it that I haven’t told, so I’ll just tell those. But I want you to start with you. And, Yeah. How we came together to have this conversation.
>> Erika: Yeah, I would love to. I actually. I reached out to Isha and said, I think, we need to have a conversation, and I want to be on your podcast.
Yana relinquished all financial control in a marriage where she was pregnant
And what was really coming up for me was just this. Like, so many people, women, I feel like, are disproportionately affected by this, are, like, trapped in these relationships and these marriages because financially, they’re dependent. And that was my experience. I lost myself for over a decade in a marriage and in a relationship where I had relinquished all financial control, even though prior to that, I was, like, I was on a good track. I didn’t have student loans. I didn’t go to college. I knew how to use credit cards where I wasn’t carrying balances. And I was almost, like, not obsessive about it, but I was, like, really careful about it, because my parents instilled that fear. Like, you don’t go too far into debt, and you don’t. Okay, I want. I’m not going to do that. And, like, I had gone to school to become, a hairstylist. I was in my career by, like, the age of 20. So I was, you know, doing my thing, making money, building my life. And then I met my now ex husband when. When I was 22. And I was still doing my thing. I didn’t jump into anything, but when I got married, and then our finances combined, it was like, okay. And he was on the opposite end of the spectrum of financial. Just knowledge and, all of that, and gambler by nature. M. so I remember, like, taking loans out in my name to help him with his business and using my credit because it was so good. And then I became a financially dependent stay at home mom. when I was 29, I got diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. And that, like, really put an end to my career. It had been years of pain, and I had already been stepping back. And at that point, I was like, okay, well, I’m gonna just do this. I’m gonna stop working. I’m gonna help my ex husband with his business, and see what happens. And then I got pregnant, and then it was like, okay, well, I’m not gonna, like, go seek out a new job, career, whatever. And the idea of being a stay at home mom was so glorified. I was like, this is gonna be good. it was not good for me at all. I fell pretty deep into postpartum depression. And just like, who am I? What is my life? I felt like I had no control over it. And then I had no control over finances and money. And what was once this, like, oh, yeah, I’m on track. Became, whoa, what is this? Chaos? I couldn’t take control of it even if I wanted to.
>> Isha Vela: I was going to ask about that. Yeah. What was happening there?
>> Erika: the nature of my ex husband’s business, was very chaotic. He buys and sells stuff, essentially antiques. Sells on eBay. It’s feast or famine.
>> Isha Vela: Okay.
>> Erika: It’s very unpredictable, especially when you’re dealing with somebody who is a bit compulsive.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: So it became this. I had no idea what was coming in or out. So much of his business was cash. and he’d be making these big investments in buying stuff because that. Buying stuff to resell. And I’m like, I hate stuff. This is overwhelming to me. Oh, wow.
>> Isha Vela: Yes.
>> Erika: and it’d be like, oh, I spent $10,000 on this storage unit. Like, stuff like that. And I was like, whoa, wait. And I would try to, you know, give my input because I’m an intelligent person, and I’m seeing what’s happening. I’m involved in the business at this point. Like, it’s what I was doing. I was helping him with it. And I’m like, none of this really makes sense.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: And then we would argue over that. Like, he’s like, well, I need help. Why don’t you take over? I’m m. Like, I can’t. Unless you do, like, X, Y and Z. Like, I can’t just take over this chaos without your help.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: And I can’t take over when you’re also not giving me access to, like, your credit cards and stuff like that. Like, what are you trying to hide, too? Right. So I felt completely out of control of all of it, and I hated it. I hated it all while also then navigating, like, new motherhood.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: And everything that comes with that. and money being used, like, as power and control. Like, well, I’m the one that makes the money, so therefore, my time was never as valuable because I was not producing an income.
>> Isha Vela: Right. And I mean, that’s straight up. You know, when you talk about the use of your credit to open up, to take loans or open lines of credit, like, that is financial abuse. And we often, like, we don’t say, we don’t often attach that phrase to those kinds of behaviors, but, like, let’s call it for what it is because we think, oh, well, you know, we’re just helping each other out, and sometimes it has. There’s other intentions underneath it.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah, yeah.
>> Erika: And it was. I’ve noticed now that, like, I need things very simple and, like, straightforward, and that was the opposite of what was happening. and then when I finally decided to leave for the fourth time, like, anybody out there contemplating divorce and feel like, oh, why is it, like, I should just leave?
There is the reality of being financially dependent. Um, especially if you’re financially dependent
They did. It took me four tries. It’s not this easy thing.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: especially if you’re financially dependent. So I finally got to the point it was like, end of 2020 where it didn’t matter. I needed to get out, and I had to lean into trusting myself. It wasn’t a matter of self love. I had already done quite a bit of work up until that point, which is what kind of, like, got me to the place of being like, okay, no, I can really leave now. But the financial piece, I’m like, I got two kids. I’m not making much of an income. I had started my business, but it was not generating much. But I’m like, I have to just trust myself to figure it out because I cannot stay in this a moment longer.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: And that’s what I’ve been doing, figuring out as I go.
>> Isha Vela: Yes, yes.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah. And, you know, as you were talking about, like, being trapped in a relationship, being financially dependent, what the, the other side of that is that oftentimes, and this happened to me, is that I didn’t believe that I could survive financially without my partner, even though I was making, you know, for a long time, I was the sole income earner. But at the time that I was contemplating divorce, he was making really good money. And so I thought, I cannot possibly. We live month to month and look at all the money he’s making. And it’s like, where’s it going? But it was because it wasn’t managed well. And so I had this distorted understanding of what I was capable of on my own. And when I left, I actually made more money. It was just really interesting.
>> Erika: Yeah.
>> Isha Vela: You know, so there’s an internal distortion. There is the reality of being financially dependent. If you don’t have income coming in and your partner does, and they’re kind of, like, they’re using that as a. As a, you know, strategically. And then there’s our distortion around, like, what we are capable of, what we are, able to earn without our partners.
>> Erika: Yeah. And then if you have a partner who is verbally abusive, saying to you, you never make it without me, I will never forget.
>> Isha Vela: Yes.
>> Erika: Like, I remember where I was standing, probably what I was wearing when he said, you will never make it without me. You will end up in a cardboard box on the street.
>> Isha Vela: Oh, my gosh.
>> Erika: And I believed it.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: I didn’t want to believe it, but I was like, who? He’s probably right forgetting that up until that point, because, let’s see, I was. I had my oldest child when I was 30, and she was. Well, it’s been almost four years since I, like, said, we’re getting a divorce. But it’s like, I totally forgot about that whole lifetime. I lived before that where I was doing it on my own. Like, I moved out when I was 18. I was paying my bills. I had an apartment. I had, like, all the things right yet all of the abuse and the, Just you start to think, like, what reality am m I even living in? And, oh, he’s probably right. And anytime I read it, like, a new book. Cause, you know, I was, like, doing my healing and doing my personal development work and all of that, and he was threatened by it. Anytime I read a new book, it’s like, you can’t think for yourself. And I was like, maybe I can’t. And you start questioning it. And I’ll never forget that same day when he said that. I received a message from, I don’t know if I had worked with her. I may have a mentor coach that I had worked with. And in her voice note, she was like, you’re a thought leader. And, I’m like, wait a minute. But I have this voice in my ear telling me I can’t think for myself. I’m going to end up in a cardboard box on the street, that I can’t do it without him. And it’s like, wait a minute. What is true? What? Like, it’s a disorienting thing.
>> Isha Vela: Yes, yes, yes. It is essentially gaslighting. Right? It’s like, it is. It hijacks your reality and inserts doubt where there is trust. Right? Where there could be trust. It is like the question marks around, can you. Are you able to or can you really?
>> Erika: And then you start like, looking for that evidence that that’s true, that you can’t.
>> Isha Vela: Right, right. And, you know, we mess things up all the time, and so it’s like the evidence is everywhere and we’re not seeing the evidence of the trust. And then we just, like you said, you took the leap, you leaned into trust just like you said. Fuck it.
>> Erika: Yeah, I had to. It was such a, there’s no fucking way I can do this for a m. Minute longer.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: I don’t, like, I don’t care that I have a five year old and a two year old. I’m gonna fucking figure it out.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: And I’m also incredibly fortunate to have a support network.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: The family who, ah, they wanted me out just as badly as I wanted to get out at that point. and I knew that I at least knew I’d have a place to live because that’s the very real thing for so many people who are financially dependent. It’s like I’m homelessness or staying.
You were in an abusive marriage for a year before you left
>> Isha Vela: Yeah, exactly, exactly. You knew that you were. At least the cardboard box piece was not going to be your future.
>> Erika: Yeah. And I did. I had to be like, all right, it’s time to just trust yourself. And like I said, my business was making some money, but I was primary caregiver of a five year old and a two year old. And that is like, in an abusive marriage. That was just destroying me. Yeah, but it was like, no, it’s time to just trust yourself. it didn’t work out like I thought it would. Of course, in my brain I’m like, okay, we’re getting a divorce. We’re gonna, like, self file. Because I was delusional at the time because, like, I, that’s what happens. And I’m just going to start taking over the bills and he’ll move out. That did not happen at all because I was dealing with somebody who did not want to accept the divorce and who had the power with the money.
>> Isha Vela: Yes.
>> Erika: And he wouldn’t move out, and it would be back and forth between him being remorseful. I’m sorry, I already put you through enough. Just until you get on your feet. Like, I don’t want you to worry about it. But all of that was the underlying, well, I’ll show her and she’ll want to stay because then when I would be like, no, I’m still leaving. It was a cycle of abuse for a year. I got out with a restraining order. I was able to leave. So here I was thinking I was going to take over the house. Which was a rental. It’s not like my kids grew. Whatever. And instead I ended up leaving and going to stay with family, which ended up being exactly what I needed anyway.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: To take on. It was a rental, but it was still a whole house.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: and that was a lot of pressure. So I’m like, okay, I have time to, like, breathe. And people still find it strange. Like, if I talk about not getting child support and not getting alimony, they’re like, why? Why wouldn’t you? Like, I’m, Like, when you’ve had somebody use money to try to control you.
>> Isha Vela: Exactly.
>> Erika: You don’t want their money.
>> Isha Vela: You don’t want any energetic tie to that person. Especially not financial. Yep.
>> Erika: Especially after, Always use that.
>> Isha Vela: Exactly.
>> Erika: Always. So I’m like, I don’t. He’s supposed to pay me child support, but do I fight it? No, because the kids are with him half the time. I’m in a co parenting situation. Fine. But the headache that it would cause me and the abuse it would lead to is not worth it.
>> Isha Vela: Exactly, exactly.
>> Erika: And I remember my lawyer saying, like, are you sure you don’t want alimony? I’m like, no. Because first of all, we’re dealing with a very chaotic feast or famine. And the way I looked at it was like, it’s always a scramble to pay the bills. He’s super stressed out about it. Always the impact of that means he’s more of an asshole. My kids are going to have to deal with that.
>> Isha Vela: Yes.
>> Erika: I don’t want them to, so I’m just going to figure it out on my own. And that’s what I’ve been doing, is just figuring it out, which, ironically, he hates to hear me say because it’s so hard for him. You’re over here just saying you’re just going to figure it out. I’m like, well, yeah, yeah.
>> Isha Vela: Cause you’re trusting.
>> Erika: I trust myself. And here I am. Two years. I’ve been in my apartment two years now, and I have figured it out after month.
>> Isha Vela: Yes. Yes. Oh, my gosh. And you and I. You and I had a separate conversation where we acknowledged that, you know, how long were you with your ex husband?
>> Erika: I met him when I was 22. it’s been four years. 14 years.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah. So 14 years. I was 14 years as well. 15. And in that time, when you’re with someone long enough, you begin to adopt their energetic relationship to money, especially if you’ve relinked with control. It’s like you’re going with their money flow. And so I think that’s really important for listeners to hear that. Sometimes we can even doubt ourselves. Like, if we are going through feast and famine cycles in a relationship, or when you’re wondering, like, where the fuck did my paycheck go? Right. All of those things.
Money is then overcoupled with trauma mhm. Yeah. Exactly. They’re not one in the same
And you were responsible before, you had your life together, before. You were able to stay out of debt before. And you’re wondering, why is this happening now? Like, I don’t get it. I’m making more money and I have less. Or it’s feeling crunchy. Like, sometimes when we relinquish control, we just. We just go with somebody else’s flow. And that isn’t necessarily, like, we’re not owning our money flow, our relationship with money. We’re not coming. We’re not sort of standing in our energy. And then we begin to believe that’s our pattern, when our money pattern is actually very different.
>> Erika: Yeah. like, I honestly think money is hard now because of my experience with him. And I don’t ever remember. Ever remember feeling like money hard before.
>> Isha Vela: Exactly. Exactly. Like, I never had a problem making money.
>> Erika: Right. And never, like, looked at it like this thing. It was never, like, this massive stressor or this.
>> Isha Vela: Right.
>> Erika: And now. So, like, that is a whole part.
>> Isha Vela: Of, like, it’s money trauma within the relationship. Right. When the money’s chaotic, you. You receive that experience as your. As money trauma in real time.
>> Erika: Yeah. And they’re like, the struggle. I had a session with a coach. I know it’s probably two years ago now. And we’re, like, imagining me getting off the struggle bus. Cause I’m like, fuck the struggle bus. I don’t wanna be on it anymore. I don’t even know how I got here because money was never like this for me. And now it’s like, this feels like this struggle, this, like, hard thing that controls my life. And I’m like, no, that’s not. Cause he was always so. Oof. Also with the gambling. Nature.
>> Isha Vela: Yes.
>> Erika: And feeling owed. He always feels owed. Like, oh, I’m owed it now in the world. And he’s the victim of everything. And I’m like, oh, my God, I totally took all of that on. And it’s taking me some time.
>> Isha Vela: yes. To kind of get away from that. Yes, exactly, exactly. Yeah.
>> Erika: Ah. And, like, this feeling of safety with money. Yes. Money wasn’t safe for a lot of different reasons for me.
>> Isha Vela: Exactly. Especially if it’s used to harm.
>> Erika: Yeah.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah. It’s. Then it’s over coupled. Money is then overcoupled with trauma With abuse. Right. And then we need to, like, our. Our trauma healing becomes, like, separating the two and seeing really, like, okay, this was abuse. And this was the tool that they used to abuse me.
>> Isha Vela: Right. They’re not one in the same, but they were. They were brought together.
>> Isha Vela: To create harm.
>> Erika: Yeah. And then just like, yeah. Reconciling with that and being like, okay. And I, for a while, too, was like, I don’t have any money. Trauma. Like, what even is that? And then it hit me like a ton of brick. Oh, wait, wait. And that was a very real, like, life experience that I saw. You know, when you experience trauma and abuse, you have these. These moments that stick out to you, where you remember exactly where you were, what happened. And I have a lot of those moments. and it’s often met with, like, no, that’s not how it happened. I was like, but no, that is. Wait a minute. That is how it happened.
When I was pregnant, I still did some hair at home
And one of those moments after I left my full time doing hair, I was still doing some hair at home. All through my pregnancy, I would go to clients houses, and then when my daughter was born, I’d wear her in a carrier, cutting hair and applying color while she was there. And I’ll never forget, like, him losing it on me, saying, this is my money. You have your hair money, and that’s it. And I remember thinking, like, that’s not even while I am 24/7 taking care. Wow, we only have one child at the time.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah, yeah.
>> Erika: And it’s like, now also, like, unraveling the tying of my worth I to my ability to produce income.
One partner appreciates the other partner for having taken care of the kids
>> Isha Vela: Yes, yes.
>> Erika: Like, yeah.
>> Isha Vela: The invisible, unpaid labor of taking care. I just was reading a post just now before we got on about, like, husbands appreciating their wives. And this is very sort of gender typed, but, you know, one partner appreciating the other partner for having taken care of the kids, which allowed them to not have to put money towards daycare so that they could build their business. Right. Like, that’s a real thing, that. Those are thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. Like, $300,000 was estimated is the cost. yeah.
>> Erika: And it’s the job that you can never turn off.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah, exactly.
>> Erika: Yeah. And when I would say stuff like that, I would be met with, they’re your kids. Like, making me feel shameful for being like, oh, as if I’m saying I don’t want to take care of my kids. I was m like, no, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying you 24/7 work and you don’t have to arrange child. You don’t have to worry about any of that.
>> Isha Vela: Right.
>> Erika: And I feel trapped.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: And, well, we’ll just bring her with you. You get to do whatever you want. I’m letting you live the life however you want. I’m like, this isn’t. But this isn’t how I want to live my life at all. None of this. but the, like, well, you’re only worthy of time off from the kids if you’re producing income.
>> Isha Vela: Wow. Oh, my gosh.
>> Erika: So I have. I have a hard time resting. Not anymore. I’ve, like, worked actively on it, but I had a hard time and I had to jump up. Right.
>> Isha Vela: Like, somebody’s watching me sitting on the couch. Yeah.
>> Erika: And I’m like, damn. Or this. I had to, like, kind of set some boundaries in the beginning because now it’s 50 50. And he all of a sudden was thrust into parenting.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah. Okay.
>> Erika: While running his business, still can’t acknowledge what I did because he struggled for a while. And I’d be over here, like, okay. He’d ask, oh, can you take the kids this and that? Like, well, it’s your day. And in my head, I’m m like, oh, if he knew that I wasn’t working, he’d be like, how dare you not take them. I’m the one making the money. So if we had stayed together, it would have always been that way.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly.
>> Erika: It never would have changed. So I often will say, like, no, I can’t. I’m working, even if I’m not.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah, yeah, I hear you, I hear you.
Erica, did you have an escape or an exit plan in place
So tell me this, Erica. When you, did you have, like, an escape or an exit plan in place?
>> Erika: No.
>> Isha Vela: Okay.
>> Erika: And I’m reminded of a conversation I had with my former boss when I was doing hair. I was. I don’t even know if it was after I got married or not, but I remember her talking about having, like, secret bank accounts and, like, you better have. It’s like your fuck it fund, like, you’re getting. Get the fuck out.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: I was like, I don’t know what’s going on in your marriage, but mine’s fine. I remember having that thought, like, for you to tell me. Looking back, she’s also. She’s a brilliant businesswoman and she had us, even though I worked off commission in a hair salon, there aren’t benefits usually. She had us setting up retirement accounts, the one that I cashed out last year. I set up when I was working for her, at like 23, I set that up. So I was poised to be like, good. But I remember her saying that and I’m like, no, I’m fine. And I was also working at the time, so it’s like, I didn’t think I needed it. Now I highly recommend women, people, anybody who is, especially if you are financially dependent, like, start stashing away money.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah. How do you recommend they do that?
>> Erika: Like, it’s kind of tricky, I guess, if you’re in like a safety, safety concern as well. to have, I don’t even, honestly, I don’t even know, an envelope of cash.
>> Isha Vela: I had an envelope of cash, Erica. I had an envelope of cash in my downtown office.
>> Isha Vela: And it was basically full of the cash co payments I received from clients. And there was about, I ended up like, I had $500 in there worth of just like $20 bills and things like that. And that gave me such comfort. And I would deposit that. I’m like, did I deposit in a separate bank account? I feel like I deposited into a secret sep ah IRa that I had going on. I, needed to feel like I had something set aside, even if it was like an IRA that I wasn’t going to be able to touch anyway. But that gave me comfort. and I remember officially opening the IRA after we were like, legally separated. And I was like, okay, so now we’re legally separated. Now this is my IRA. Like, this is not yours. This is not a joint. No, this is mine. And even then, he made threats to get half of it, claiming that it was his. And I basically, the money that he made enabled me to save the money that I saved to put in. And I was like, no, no. thankfully, my lawyer and his lawyer did not pay attention to that at all. But yeah, I was stashing and I stashed for two years. I basically had money piled up that I then put in the IRA. And that was basically that that gave me, for some reason, even though that was not liquid money, it gave me the foundation to be like, almost like I’m an adult and I have some like established funds somewhere. Right. Like I was doing like big girl stuff and I was managing my own money for the first time. Like, it just felt like a step.
>> Erika: Yeah.
>> Isha Vela: In the right direction. yeah. And you know, divorce costs a lot of money. Like, people, even people who have full time jobs, let’s say when they go through the divorce process, it’s thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars.
>> Erika: I got, ah, so lucky with my lawyer. I’ve been really intentional about just cultivating a really amazing network of support, which is one of the ways we survived divorce.
>> Isha Vela: Aha.
>> Erika: so I had my people, I knew who to reach out to. Like my girl Brittany. I texted her, I’m like, I need a lawyer. And she’s like, I got you, don’t worry. She’s like, here’s the number. Call him. And what? I was like, okay. And I did. I called that day, and I’m like, I remember calling kind of panicked because it was more like, I need to know my rights, like, right at this moment. Because the day I asked for a divorce, my, ex turned to parental controls on. On my phone.
>> Isha Vela: Oh.
>> Erika: Which I had just gotten on his phone plan. I was milking that family plan with my parents for a long time, and I had just gotten his on his plan months earlier.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: And I woke up to a text, and I was like, parental controls? I was like, nope, we’re not doing this. And I went. Marched myself right down to Verizon, got my own phone plan, made it happen. I downgraded my phone. Yeah, downgraded everything, because I’m like, I need. I need this. I got rid of my phone number of 20 years. This is how I was, like, getting my independence, and I took over that bill and all of that. But, I called the lawyer that day, and, you know, the assistant, or she answered, and she’s like, actually, let me ask who’s calling and let him know because I was trying to schedule an appointment. She puts me on hold, and he comes onto the phone, and he’s like, Brittany told me if I didn’t help you out, she’d fucking kill me. So what do you got for me? I’m like, oh, okay. That’s what I like to hear. So he used to do flat rate divorces.
>> Isha Vela: Oh, wow.
>> Erika: Yeah. and he offered to do that and give me a deal.
You sold your car after getting divorced from your ex because of debt
>> Isha Vela: Wow.
>> Erika: So luckily, too, like, me and my ex, we didn’t. There wasn’t. It wasn’t. Logistically, there wasn’t a lot to separate. It was awful. Yeah, it was crazy. And my lawyer was like, what in the actual fuck? Like, I’m like, sorry, vin, but, like, you signed up for this. You signed up for this. But I got really lucky with that. And, I don’t take it, like, I don’t take it for granted because I needed him. I really did. And I’m like, wow, this could have cost me, like, so much more. M but I’m just. I build relationships with people from the place of knowing. We get to thrive.
>> Isha Vela: Yes.
>> Erika: Not just survive. So that is constantly what I’m, like, trying to think about, how can I thrive? Like, I’m worthy of it. I get to. In divorce. I mean, it is life altering and exhausting and costs money and time. So much time.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: and I know for a while that was keeping me from actually doing it.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: Until I recognized the, like, the thought of staying became way scarier.
>> Isha Vela: Yes.
>> Erika: Than the thought of anything it would take to leave.
>> Isha Vela: Yes, exactly. That’s the tipping point.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah. And because you had such good credit, were there, were you entangled with him that way? Like, in your debt?
>> Erika: Yeah, we had, I had opened a few credit cards in my name when we were planning our wedding because. Right. It makes so much sense to go into debt for a wedding. Something I will never do again. and I want to say, like, we had one personal loan, but that was paid off. My cardinal. I don’t know what he was thinking that day, but we go to buy this car. My daughter was four months old, and he was like, you know, like, we can afford it. He wanted to buy the nicer one, but we’re going to put it in your name. Like, it was just in my name. I have no idea why he wanted to do that, but it served me well when I went to sell it. Even though during the divorce, even though it’s technically in my name, it’s still both of ours.
>> Isha Vela: Yes.
>> Erika: And I had gotten to the point where I’m like, I need to sell this car. It’s a $630 a month car payment.
>> Isha Vela: Oh, wow.
>> Erika: And if I’m over here trying to, like, get my financial independence back and take over bills, this is not an important bill.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: So my lawyer’s like, you have to get permission from him. And I’m like, okay, at this point, we had a restraining order. We there, we weren’t supposed to be communicating, but he relentlessly texts anyways. But I had to ask him, and he was like, do whatever you want. Okay. So I sold it because the end of 2021. Yeah, it was the end of 2021. Used car prices were, like, pretty high. And I was like, oh, shit, I owe less on this than what it’s worth. Like, this might be a really smart move, right? If I’m trying to relieve financial pressure. I remember I owed 15 grand on it still, and, it was worth about 22,000. So I’m like, okay, all right, I’m going to sell it. And once I decide something, like, good luck changing my mind. But he gave me his permission technically, but I didn’t have it in writing. And the day I went to sell it, because I had put it on, like, marketplace and I had decided that December, that car payment was going to be the last one I paid, that the next one would be paying it off. I never sold a car before. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. But I’m like, I’m going to figure it out. And selling a car that has a loan still out, it’s not easy to do privately. Yeah, like, you have to get. There’s a lot of trust that would be needed. But I get an email after I turned down a few offers, somebody offered me 18,000. I’m like, no, 22 is my number. I’m nothing moving from it. I get an email from a car dealership. Would you take 22? Yep, sure will. And from a car dealership?
>> Isha Vela: Yeah. Hell yeah.
>> Erika: Easy. He’s like, when can you come down? I’m like, I can come down today. My dad was home. He could watch the kids. And I went down there and I remember my dad saying like, no, he’s probably going to try to, like, talk you down. I was like, I’m not. It’s 22,000.
My dream car is one without a car payment so I sold my car
Nobody’s. I’m nothing. That’s what it is. I get there, he does like, a quick once over of my car and he’s like, all right, let’s go and do the paperwork. And I was like, oh, 22,000? He’s like, yeah. I’m like, okay. And since my ex husband’s name was not on any of it, I could sign that paperwork no problem.
>> Isha Vela: Wow.
>> Erika: And I sold it that day, which I did not think was actually going to happen. And I called my aunt who I was. it was an suv that I had, and I had all the kids stuff in it. I didn’t clean it out. I call my aunt who has like, the smallest car ever, and I’m like, can you come pick me up? I just sold my car. And she’s like, yeah, yeah, okay. And then I had like seven grand. So I bought a used car for 5000.
>> Isha Vela: Oh, wow. Amazing.
>> Erika: No car payment. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world. I remember I told you my dream car is one without a car payment. I don’t give a shit what it is. I know I drive a ten year old kia soul and I fucking love it. And it just, I mean, it’s a little sweeter too, because that’s the car I’ve always wanted. Like, I know my real bougie taste, right. But my ex husband hated them, so he wouldn’t let me get one, but. Yep. And that, I mean, that pressure I took off by selling my car. My car insurance is cheaper, my car taxes, I have no car payment, gas, all of those things.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: Because my goal once I got out was like, all right, I gotta, like, figure this out. Why don’t I figure out ways to, like, lessen the load of what I have to pay for? That was a huge one. Huge, yeah.
>> Isha Vela: That is really ingenious.
Going through a divorce is financially devastating, and it’s mostly financially devastating to women
And as you were sharing your story, I was thinking about, like, this whole trust process, right. I feel like so much about money is internal safety. Right? Like, feeling like you’re a safe person to receive money, that you can, like, handle it, manage it, that you feel confident, and then there’s a trust that there’s enough that if it leaves your account, there’s also money that’s going to come into your account. Like, there’s a circulation there. Right. And as I’m hearing your story, I just see so many opportunities for you to, like, where you could anchor into trust of, like, yes, this shit happened where the car was in my name, but actually it ended up being a blessing over here.
>> Isha Vela: You know, and it, and it paid you out over here.
>> Erika: He did. Now the only thing I have to hear is him telling me I got a free car because he. I left. I left with nothing. I left with what I could fit in my car.
>> Isha Vela: Wow.
>> Erika: I didn’t want anything. Again, his business, there’s lots of tangible stuff. And if I wanted, I could have had my lawyer do a whole, like, valuation. We’re talking a warehouse full of stuff. It would have been a nightmare. And I could have been like, half his mind and half would have been mine.
>> Isha Vela: I. Yeah.
>> Erika: And I was like, nope, I don’t, I don’t. I just want my freedom.
>> Isha Vela: Yes.
>> Erika: However I can get it. And I don’t want that. So I have to remember, I don’t need to defend myself to him when he says that shit, like, well, you got a free car, must be nice, and blah, blah. And I’m like, I know the reality. I know the reality that I was the primary caregiver of the kids, the stay at home mom income, like, all of that. I did not get a free cardinal.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah, that shit ain’t free. That shit for sure ain’t free. Oh, my God. No.
>> Erika: And at one point, when we finally got in front of a judge because it was drawn out, the divorce. And I think because of, like, Covid and just the backup.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: And because my ex was so kind of off the walls, the judge was like, what’s the hold up here? Is it over $3,500? Because he was arguing half of that $7,000.
>> Isha Vela: Yes.
>> Erika: And he looks at him, he goes, do you want to get divorced today? And he was like, well, yeah, yeah, I do. And I’m like, I do, I do. I really, really, really want to. They all stayed late. The judge stayed late. My lawyer, everybody stayed late that day to make it happen because it’s like, this is absurd to drag this out.
>> Isha Vela: Wow.
>> Erika: At this point.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: And I walked out of their divorce that day, and I was like, holy shit.
>> Erika: And freedom isn’t that instant when you walk out in your divorce. Like, it’s been a lot.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: To recover from, but it’s the trust. Like, just trusting myself to figure it out and leaning on so much support.
>> Isha Vela: Yes. Right. Like, I think that’s something that I really want listeners to take with them is that going through a divorce is financially devastating, and it’s mostly financially devastating to women. Right. Not only, yes, there’s a lot of cases where women earn more than men, but in a lot of cases that, where. Where there is some aspect of abuse or control tends not to be the case. And that trusting that everything is going to be okay and, like, leaning into those supports, like having a support system, like, letting people know, I’m thinking about getting a divorce and getting as much help as possible, letting yourself, because in an abusive relationship, you feel so isolated, you doubt yourself. And we need people to reflect what’s possible back to us, because that’s when we least believe it is. Right before taking the leap, we’re like, is this going to work out? Am I going to crash and burn to, you know, is everything that he said true? You know? And so those other people that are around you are there to tell you, like, no, you’re going to be. So you’re going to be more than okay. Like, I’ve got you. I, have resources. Right? Like, we don’t do this in a vacuum, in a social vacuum, for sure. That’s not the way to do this.
>> Erika: And I needed to hear that often that you can trust yourself. You’ve got this.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
I reached out to my online community twice to get my rent paid
>> Erika: Like, I needed to hear it a whole lot. There were many a days that I was like, I can’t fucking do this. And I’m tired and I don’t want to do it.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: And I should just, like, give up. And then it’s those voices. And we live in this, like, culture where it’s shameful to ask for financial support. Like, it hurts my heart when I see people posting on social media. Like, I’m not usually one to ask for a handout. And I work really hard for everything I have, like, trying to justify, and then also saying, and also, I’m struggling right now. I’m like, it’s like, I know if I have the financial means and somebody I care about needs help, I’m happy.
>> Isha Vela: Exactly to give it to them.
>> Erika: And I actually, I share this because I know it’s helpful and permission giving to ask for support. I reached out to my online community twice to get my rent paid. The first time was July of 2021. I was still lit. We were still living together. It was my summer of hell, because he really went off the deep end during the divorce, and things amplified like I could never have imagined. and it was the same day I hired my lawyer. But he had gotten home from the casino middle of a Sunday afternoon. Oh, wow. I don’t know if he was drunk. Something was up, though.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: And he says to me and the kids, he threw his phone out of the car window on the highway because he doesn’t need it. And then he looks at me, and he’s like, and I drained the bank account. Good luck paying rent. And I was like, okay. It was like, July 9, and me, I’m like, I only have till the 10th. Like, I’m only allowed to pay, like, right.
>> Isha Vela: Wow.
>> Erika: And I was like, okay, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? How am I going to do this? What am I going to do? And I was like, this is really uncomfortable, but I have this platform. I have these people who care about me, who, I also pour into. I show up. Ah. For my people. So I made a post, and you know what? I got my rent paid. I was like, somebody sent me, like, $500, and I had to be like, I don’t have to feel guilty about this. I don’t even have to say, like, oh, I owe you. Like, no, I get to just receive this.
>> Isha Vela: Yes.
>> Erika: Because I am human, and I am worthy of that.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: And I had women reach out, like, thank you for doing that. I always feel bad when I have to. And then I had to do it again. The. I moved in my apartment June of 2022, and I moved in on hopes and dreams, my bank accounts. Nobody would have ever been like, oh, yeah, you seem like a stable tenant. No, I was like, but I decide and I make it happen.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: And it worked out. I literally signed the lease and then two days later came up with the money to actually move in, but they didn’t know that. And I launched a new program. But July hits, and I was like, oh, shit, here I am again. Like, I don’t even know how the fuck I’m going to pay my rent. And I was still paying all my credit card bills.
>> Isha Vela: Yes.
>> Erika: And I was in the parking lot of the police department because I was about to go in there and file, because he had violated the protective order.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: In front of the parking lot. I did it again. I was like, oh, I hate doing this, but I didn’t even say that I hated doing it. And I was just like, I need help. I need to get my rent paid. I don’t know, like. And I did it again, got my rent was paid. And again, it was just, I get to do that. I get to receive, and I would happily, like, I shared with you. I think one of the things I would love to do when I got, like, stacked up, bank accounts, I want to just call and pay off people’s credit cards. Like, I don’t even give a fuck about getting a tax write off for any. For donations. I want to give money directly to the people. Yeah, I once did.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: and, yeah, and that was also I. Shortly after that, I stopped paying my credit card bills. I m needed to keep a roof over my head.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: And a month ago, I filed bankruptcy. And best decision I could have made for myself.
>> Isha Vela: And how is that helping you now? Like, what is that doing for you, that process of filing for bankruptcy?
>> Erika: it relieves so much pressure.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: First of all, I intentionally stopped paying my credit card bills. It was a very, like, okay, what’s the worst case scenario? Worst case scenario, I get sued and I have to pay it all back. And then some, I’m like, okay, but that’s not happening tomorrow, so I’ll buy myself some time, and if they’re not going to put me in jail, I’m not going to be afraid of that.
I stopped paying my credit cards because one of the companies sued me
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: And then I was like, oh, I’m gonna see if I can, like, dispute all of this and, like, not have to go the bankruptcy route. And I tried that for a little bit, and then I was like, I need to be done. I need to not think about this anymore. I did get sued. one of the credit card companies sued me. One ended up in collections. Two were just kind of like floating out there and they try to make you scared, right? Served with papers. My mom calls me because they went to her house because that’s the address they had. And she calls me and she’s like, the court martial was just here. And I was like, yeah. Thinking it was for my ex. She goes for you. And I like, thought for a second, like, what would I be getting started with? I was like, oh, credit card. She’s like, yeah. Are you okay? Like, we can help you. Like, do you want to, like a, payment plan? I was like, no, we’re not doing any of that. We are not panicking. We are not acting right from that place of fear.
>> Erika: That’s kind of what they want you to do. I’m like, I’m going to trust that this is going to work out of. Not for nothing, I’ll get in front of a judge someday and be like, listen, this is why I stopped paying my credit cards and all of that. And if they still want to say you still owe it, then the judge has to sleep with that decision and I’ll figure it out.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: but then earlier this year, I was like, I think I need to just not think about this anymore and just look into bankruptcy. and the lawyer I talked to, I immediately knew. I was like, yeah, this is what I need to do.
>> Isha Vela: Okay.
>> Erika: It’s a tool.
>> Isha Vela: How do you. What kind of. Yeah, how do you use that tool?
>> Erika: So I filed chapter seven. There’s different ones. Chapter seven is basically wipes out all of your debt. You are not responsible to pay it back.
>> Isha Vela: Okay.
>> Erika: You have to qualify, like, I don’t know, like, what qualifies you for it. But I’m assuming if I was making a ton of money and still would, they’d be like, no. and then I think there’s, like, chapter eleven. You pay some of it back, but, like, on a payment plan.
>> Isha Vela: Yes, yes.
>> Erika: But chapter seven fully wipes it out. however, you have to know that if you are left in inheritance within six months of filing, it belongs to the bankruptcy trustee.
>> Isha Vela: Okay.
>> Erika: Which was an important thing. Like, I knew that I have a family member who is leaving me things.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: House, this type of thing. And I was like, okay, I have to, like, have that. It’s an awkward, uncomfortable conversation, but, like, just in case.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: and honestly, the process was just a matter of me gathering financial information. So for me, p and ls, because I don’t have a w two any, like, notices from creditors, the addresses, it wasn’t too bad. But, you know, it’s a checklist of stuff that, like, I needed a deadline, otherwise I wouldn’t have done it.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: and then I met with the lawyer. We went through all of it, signed it, and now I do have. My hearing is next week to just finalize it all. But once it hit, once it was filed, my credit score started going up.
>> Isha Vela: Wow.
>> Erika: I don’t know if it’ll stay that way, but, I mean, my credit was down to, like, 500.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: Which also reminder, like, it’s all made up, credit scores and all that, so don’t totally.
>> Isha Vela: Don’t judge your worth on it. Yes, totally not. It’s. It’s made up, and it’s, like, part of the reason my credit is still as low as it is, even. I don’t have any debt. I have one debt that was from my ex husband, but, Yeah, I don’t have credit cards.
>> Erika: Yeah.
>> Isha Vela: And so you need to have a credit card to build up your debt. I’m just like, I don’t want a credit card.
>> Erika: I don’t think I want one now.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah, it’s kind of a trap. It’s a trap.
>> Erika: Yeah. And it sucks that, like, so much is dependent on our credit score, which is crazy. Only in America. but I recently decided, too, because I’ve lived without credit cards now. I stopped paying them two years ago, so I don’t think I ever want one again. Like, I kind of want to just, like. No, I just want cash to buy the things. oh, and the bankruptcy lawyer, this is something that’s important to remember, too. Like, for me, when I filed bankruptcy, like I said, I was not using credit cards. There are people, if you’re using credit cards, and that is something you depend on and you file bankruptcy, you now don’t have access to that. And that can be like, a, Got it. Got it.
People often think they need credit cards in case of emergency
>> Isha Vela: Yes. Yeah.
>> Erika: So the less we can depend on credit cards.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah.
>> Erika: The better. And also, I get it. Everything’s expensive, and credit cards are like a lifeline for people.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah, yeah. And obviously, you can use, you know, credit cards to your benefit. Like, if you have a points, travel points credit card. Right. You can, like, you pay it off immediately, just like, racking off the. Racking up the points. So there’s ways to use them where you can get really creative and get, like, paid back, essentially. But overall, like, it is. It is a, you know, I feel like it is a, way to get us in the debt system. You know, you get sent credit card things in the mail you know, like, oh, you have this much credit, and, you know, like, all these, all those invitations, you know, and then in a moment of desperation, you’re just like, okay, yes, capital one. Like, let’s go. And then you’ve got 25% interest on that debt.
>> Erika: I heard something in the. You have to take a credit counseling course when you file bankruptcy, and then one after you file. He, was talking about credit cards and how when they introduced them and banks introduced them, they specifically started, like, essentially marketing them. Like, these are good to have in case of emergency. He’s like, and that’s actually the worst mindset to have to finance your emergency. We should be teaching people how to save cash for that.
>> Isha Vela: Right.
>> Erika: But it was intentional.
>> Isha Vela: Yes.
>> Erika: So now we think, oh, we need. Because I’ve had people even say, how do you live without credit cards? That would make me nervous. And I’m like, it did at first. We do think we need them for an emergency, when actually, that is not the best mindset to have around credit cards.
>> Isha Vela: Emergency fund is what you need three months worth of an emergency fund or worth three months worth of your expenses. Right. To cover your expenses. So, yeah, so we’re up on the hour of word to close the conversation, and I just, like, I feel like we could continue because it’s like, there’s so much more to the story and it’s still, like, it’s still unfolding. Right for you and, we’ll have to invite you back to. Yeah, exactly.
Your approach to body image is totally different than anything else I’ve seen
But, I wanted to, you know, you are a, ah, really highly skilled life coach, and I want to let people know where they can find you.
>> Erika: Yeah. Thank you. my favorite place to play is still on Facebook. I post most of my content there. I work with people one on one, and in my body image program, which is a year long thing which will change your whole fucking life.
>> Isha Vela: Yes.
>> Erika: so, yeah, find me on Facebook. I’m on Instagram as well, but you’ll get most of my juicy nuggets of wisdom on Facebook.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah. And, you know, just for the listeners, like, your approach to body image is just totally different than anything else I’ve seen.
>> Erika: Oh, thank you for that reflection.
>> Isha Vela: Yeah, it really resonates with me because it’s like, it’s been my journey to sort of go the body neutrality versus body body positivity, and so that’s been really helpful in your content.
>> Erika: Yeah. And, like, with body image, yes, it’s a personal, individual thing and also it’s a whole collective thing. And my approach is, yes, we want to work on our own. And also, let’s look at the big picture and how this is affecting us all.
>> Isha Vela: Yes.
>> Erika: What we can do to, like, shift away from that.
>> Isha Vela: Awesome. Awesome. Thank you so much for coming on today.
>> Erika: Thank you for having me. Yes.