4.21 | What Leadership Will Make You and Cost You

>> Isha Vela: Welcome to Devotional Anarchy, a podcast about intimate, embodied leadership that is radically human, honest af, and thereby inherently disruptive to systems of disempowerment and disconnection. I’m Isha Vela, trauma psychologist, certified somatic practitioner, wealth wizard, licensed financial professional, leadership coach, and intuitive business mentor. You’re here because, you know, self intimacy and self knowledge is the source of everything you want to create in your life. And that building safety and trust in your body is what allows you to fully own and store your energy in the direction of your desires. This season, get ready for deep dives into wealth building spirituality, emotional leadership, and human centered business with an activist twist. The conversations and tools shared in this podcast are your permission slip to manifest a life and business that lights your soul on fire and supports collective liberation.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Devotional Anarchy podcast. Today we are talking about what leadership will make you and cost you because there are pros and cons to leadership. We’re going to talk about it today. but I wanted to start with some just personal sharing that. And part of the inspiration for this episode was that, you know, as I was recovering from surgery, I, I was taking, you know, painkillers obviously for the pain. And I, you know, I’m very sensitive to medication and it wasn’t so much an allergy, but I developed a reaction. My body reacted to the pain medication or my immune system went down and I had a, the first time I ever had this, a shingles infection behind my, or on my eye, eye and forehead. And so that’s why there isn’t a, video accompanying today’s episode. I usually have the video posted up on YouTube for those of you who prefer to see a face. And, I’m not, not recording a video because I don’t want you to see my face because I’m on video with people every day with this face. But I just, my body was just really wanting privacy. And the reason for that, at the very same time that I had this shingles outbreak, there was a breach of privacy in my personal life with my family. And so that was the inspiration for this episode. And as you know, I always speak truth. I speak what’s alive for me. I have a feeling that if it’s alive for me, it’s also alive in the collective. it would have been fine to share something different. I had other ideas for this episode, but you know, I just had this hunch that, or this like, almost like a nudge from the universe to talk about this because I Want to have real conversations about entrepreneurship and sort of the real consequences, both the positive and the negative of thought leadership. And I also recognize that because, you know, the economy has changed, you know, we keep talking about that and buyer behavior has certainly changed. yeah, how people buy online has changed and from who that has definitely shifted. And I wanted to talk about like what sets you apart in the online space. And I see very much that that is all about thought leadership.

What is leadership and what is thought leadership

So I wanted to first start out by defining what is leadership and what is thought leadership. And I remember hearing that term the first time when I was in my somatic training. And it usually like people talked about someone’s leadership when they were willing to step forward and say the thing that was in the room but that everybody was too afraid to say. And for me it is about the willingness, right, to step forward, to go first, to take risks and be vulnerable. And it’s also for me a willingness to innovate. Innovate with thought, but innovate also with energy and beingness, presence. So it is the opposite of hiding, which you know is leadership is really allowing yourself to be seen both in this, like in the brightness of your energy, in your in your creativity, in your intelligence, wisdom, and also being seen in, in the vulnerability where you might get in trouble. Right, the part that is maybe not savory or not preferable, being seen in all of you, of course, as much as you’re willing to share and energetically, for me the definition of leadership is allowing yourself to take up space with who you are, all facets of you. So there’s definitely an authenticity piece there. But ultimately for me it’s, it’s about personal power. And then thought leadership is doing that. Is that power of ideas, the power of your insights, the power of your perspectives for a particular issue, a particular industry, whatever it happens to be. And this definitely helps position you as an expert and people seek you out for guidance. And it is really, you know, ultimately I think the, the upside is that it’s probably, I think the best marketing strategy to build trust and recognition is being the person that says the thing that everybody’s thinking but nobody dares to say because everybody’s too afraid of losing respect. And because you have such high respect for yourself, you dare to go first, right? Because even if someone decides that you are not worthy of that respect, you are still holding yourself in that respect, in that self respect, in like the lack of shame you feel around telling your story or telling a particular, right, something that happened in Your life or. Right. So even though the online space is super noisy, thought leadership is actually quite rare. And you know, when I, Lately I’ve been. Lately I’ve been scrolling in the online space and I. I see there’s a few people that, that have thought leadership, but for the most part, I would say like 80 to 90% for me is just pure noise. It’s just entertaining. It’s like, I’ve heard it before. it’s not different. And this is partly because, you know, there’s a lot of AI generated content, but a lot of people aren’t original. A lot of people are saying the things that are already out there because they think that’s what’s going to work for them. They think that’s what’s going to move the needle. They think that’s what people want to hear. They’re not shaping conversations, they’re following conversations. They’re maybe adding to conversations at best, but it’s not really innovative. And often the things that are innovative are the types of things that will get you in trouble, the types of things that are countercultural, that go against the flow of what most people are saying. And those are the things that need to be said. Right. And thought leadership is also about recognizing trends before they happen. It is really being sort of tapped into the collective, or me maybe being so tapped into your own intuition that you can already see sort of where we’re going next. And I know a lot of people are like that. I am a little bit tapped into that. Like, I can, There have been a lot of moments in my life, surprisingly, where, like, I’ve had visions of the future, I’ve had dreams of the future. I even, like, predicted that my toilet was going to get clogged the other day. I was like, oh, it’s going to happen today. And I told my kids and like, an hour later it was clogged. So, I mean, it’s like, it’s kind of silly, in some ways and really powerful in other ways. But, yeah, being able to recognize, like, being able to be tapped in so hard to yourself, to your own inner guidance, that you can recognize trends before they happen are a bonus to being a thought leader. And of course, thought leaders, they inspire other people. They inspire people not only for the content of their thoughts, but also to generate more thought leadership, to really help people dare to be themselves, to inspire them to say the thing, to have the courage to say the thing, to break apart from the flock, let’s say, and wander and Wander out, go rogue, so to speak, right?

Everybody has their unique perspective on whatever subject they care about

So for me, that’s always been about truth. And it’s such a simple concept, right, to think about truth. But it is, you know, everybody has their unique perspective. You have a unique spin on whatever subject. It can be a particular type of healing modality. It could be, it could be like, for me, it’s money. for other people it is about, I don’t know, about business or about some m. You know, possibilities are endless, right? You have your unique spin on. Your perspective is your unique spin, and that is your truth. and we often think that our unique spins or our perspectives are either not special or that they don’t matter. We think that because we experience something, everybody else is experiencing it too, or already knows it, right? It can go in either direction. It can be either, like, it doesn’t matter, we make it insignificant, or we make it this thing that. Well, everybody, everybody knows that. Or it’s like that for everybody. We general. We overgeneralize it. But neither of those are, in fact, true. The fact is that your perspective really does matter and that this kind of truth and storytelling really helps people uncover something in themselves. It helps them see themselves and therefore see you as a leader. It also, it is really special because what’s true for you isn’t just something that’s, assumed by other people. Like, don’t assume that. It’s just because it’s true for you that other people already know. A lot of people don’t. So don’t underestimate the power of telling your story. And of course, telling your story and having leadership around, it takes a lot of courage. A lot. Because at some level, you know that your thought leadership is going to piss some people off. And that’s a very good reason why there isn’t enough reality thought leadership out there. There’s a lot of people who are sharing their unpopular opinion, which is actually not an unpopular opinion at all and is actually something that everybody already knows. so the real unpopular opinion is not so much an unpopular opinion as it is something that’s very vulnerable and close to your heart. That’s why it’s like, we protect that place. And when we protect that place, we also leave money on the table because that’s how people really connect with us. And of course, there isn’t enough real thought leadership out there because, you know, there’s a cost. The reason you may have not fully brought your thought leadership is because your attachment system knows there’s a cost. It knows, right? It can feel the fear of you being afraid to lose people, can feel the reality of that. We’re all. I mean, we’re all terrorized of being disliked, of being judged or hated. And I use the word terrorized for a very specific reason, because it’s more than just being afraid and the reason why. And this is my thought leadership right here. Terror is how it lives in your system. And we talk about, you know, eradicating fear, or, you know, we talk about fear and being afraid of losing people, but it’s. That’s not the way our system registers it. It actually registers as terror because it is tied to our survival, because it is tied to our deepest programming around belonging. you know, the threat of ostracism is one of the greatest threats to our survival because we can’t do it alone. We, like you, cannot do it alone. Your body knows that at the most primal level, we need people. Even if it isn’t a lot of people, we need people. And so your body knows that. And of course, from the perspective of ancestral trauma, some of us have experienced ostracism. you know, we have, you know, the very. I say, deeply programmed, tribal instincts. And I use this word very intentionally because most of us, all of us, can trace back to a time, right, Our ancestry back to a time where we belonged in tribes and groups and smaller. Smaller colonies, let’s say, nations. And so we understand what it means to, you know, not belong to this group of people. And so let’s be real. When we talk about the fear that is actually terror. The terror of being disliked, judged and hated. So, and of course, it is healthy to be afraid. It is healthy to have some level of terror because it means that you care about relationships, you care about not losing people, or, yeah, you care about losing people. and if you didn’t, that would probably put you more in a psychopathic category, you know, or an asocial. You know, there would be. There would be some level of, Yeah, some sort of issues happening with your attachment system. so what do I want to say here? I want to say that this is a very, It is a. It is a place in your body to be handled with a lot of care and to not, Not. I don’t want to say override it, but not plow it over. Not underestimate its importance. And so on the flip side of that, I want to say that when you don’t bring your thought leadership, it actually costs you money, like, not saying the damn thing. That is sort of like flipping around in your mind or that’s like on your heart, or that you’ve been just contemplating. The deep shower thoughts that you have are costing you actual money because when you don’t share them, you don’t stand out. people have no clue why they should hire you versus hiring someone else. And this is one of the most pieces, most important pieces of marketing that so many people miss. And it doesn’t matter if you’re selling healing services or sponges. People need to know why your sponge is different. and I don’t mean that in a competitive way. I just mean it about it. I, I, it’s just about what’s unique about you. So it’s not necessarily about competition. It’s not what makes you better. Right, because, it’s not a hierarchy, it’s not a competition, but what makes you stand out. And it can mean that you stand out right next to someone who is also amazing. It’s just that you have a different flavor to you and that creates a resonance with someone. it can be the story or a vibe about you, just an energy, right, the being the energetic piece around leadership. yeah.

Tell your story online because it’s going to resonate with someone

And so what really makes you stand out? Like I said, energetically, of course, but it also has a lot to do with telling your story. And that’s why you need to tell it over and over and over again. Because it’s going to resonate with someone. It’s going to help people see themselves, they see themselves in your story. And our stories usually have some form of trauma in them, some experience of trauma. And because trauma doesn’t happen in a vacuum, it will also involve you, at the very least indicating that other people were there. sometimes that will be family members, sometimes that will mean, you know, some of the people that are closest in your lives. And here’s the thing, because it’s often the case that people who are closest to us heard us, I’ve often talked about trauma in my family of origin. and we can sometimes get into the habit of thinking we need to protect our family members. by not telling our stories, we protect, maybe harmful people in our lives. we think that we shouldn’t talk about other people online without their consent. and there is a trend like with abusive, in abusive relationships, we sometimes, we do get in a habit of protecting harmful people or people or people who have done harm. And while, you know, all of those things are generally good rules, like, yeah, don’t talk shit about other people online, when it comes to telling your story, it is really, it is a different thing. when you are telling your story and trying to protect other people at the same time, especially people who have done harm, it can be a massive blocker to really speaking your truth. You’re going to tell it and you’re going to tell it in sort of a vague way that’s going to, again, people are going to skim through it and they’re not going to, not going to get it. It’s not going to ping them the way that they could be pinged. and when I say online, online can be social media, it can also mean a podcast like this or a blog or even a book. Right? There’s certainly people writing books where family members are implicated. and you can bet your ass they probably got for that.

Your job as a leader is to share your truth as cleanly as possible

and so I want to offer my perspective because I’ve been in, in both sides, both sides of the equation. So here’s my permission slip to you. You get to tell your story. You absolutely get to tell your story. You get to have your perspective of shit that happened. You get to have your experience of things that happened. And sometimes it does involve other people. Your job as a leader and as a thought leader and as an entrepreneur is to share your story and your truth as cleanly as possible. And what do I mean by cleaning it is to tell your story without having a huge unprocessed emotional charge behind it. Because when there’s emotional charge, it’ll likely come out with some form of victimhood or attention seeking or some other unconscious agenda that is coming out sideways. So that’s definitely something you don’t want because that not going to do well for your leadership. That’s going to, it’s just going to give people the ick, in short. So, and in fact, you know, ironically, it might make you more popular because there will be people who have a similar emotional charge that will agree with you, but it’s not necessarily coming from a regulated or regulating place. And that’s not, it’s not what’s going to make you money in the long, run. it’s not what’s going to support your sales process or people really experiencing you as standing out or that it’s not going to build trust, in other words. So I mentioned that I’ve been on both sides, right? So part of the reason I’m sharing this is because, you know, over the last, whatever year and a half, I’ve had a lot of. Or maybe over. Over a year and a half, it’s two years, three years. I’VE had a lot of conflicts and concerns. When I talk about my experience with money in my marriage, when I talked about my deceased ex husband, or my family online, in emails and on this podcast. And on the one hand, like, I am, like, I don’t like talking about other people. I don’t want to speak ill of anyone. I certainly don’t want to speak. Speak badly of my children’s father, and I certainly don’t want to hurt his family or mine. And yet all of those relationships, and my relationship with my ex husband has shaped and continues to shape me in such profound ways. And the experiences I had in my marriage changed the entire trajectory of my life. And not being able to talk about those things freely would completely hack me off at the knees. It would completely hamper any of the efforts I’m making to, to let people know that, that they are safe with me, that they can trust me with their money, healing with their, with where they are in their financial journey. yeah. And so, you know, the reason I, I can talk about it is because, you know, I, I know that at, at some, at some moments there has been emotional charge, and I’ve certainly shared that, and I’ve really done my best to keep that at a minimum. And I’m at a place right now where, you know, I feel no emotional charge. And in fact, I, I dare say that I feel grateful for what I experienced because I don’t hold neither shame nor regret around the experience. I hold gratitude because it was such profound learning. And, yes, there are moments where I still feel, like, sadness that it happened, like, sadness, sadness for a previous version of myself. But I am so grateful overall for the experience. And so I think that when you tell your story from that place, from the, from the wisdom place, that is going to be sort of the most powerful. yeah. And whenever I have shared, I’ve really had to sort of connect with myself and, and check, check in with myself and see, like, okay, how am I sharing this information? Is there energetic charge here? What is the energy? What, you know, what is my objective? What am I, what’s the point that I’m trying to get across? Am I, am I wanting people to, like, am I trying. Am I telling my victim story here? what are the unconscious agendas? Right? The things that I, I can’t see? Can I. Can I be really honest with myself? You know, do I want it to stick? Do I want to stick it to someone and get revenge? At times the answer to that has been yes. And I’ve been like, okay, well, reel it back. Well, what would be. What would be. What would be of service? You know, and I’ve been, you know, on the receiving end of. Of where someone told their version of a story about me. And even though I didn’t like how that felt, they had a right to do that because they had a particular experience with me that they found not good, to put it in those terms. They had an experience with me that was unsavory, and they told their story about it, and they had every right to. And I was just like, oh, ah, fuck, that’s a bummer. I don’t like this is happening. But it’s like that was that person’s experience. And I know, you know, I know very well that that was that person’s experience. So the gold mine is and will always be not what happened, not the story itself, but the lessons you’ve gleaned from the experience. That’s the focus of what you share. That is the takeaway. It’s always the takeaway. The lesson learned, the medicine derived, the insights gleaned. Right. The learning. And let’s face it, even when you express yourself as honestly as possible with, you know, the. The intention of being and the real work behind something coming out as cleanly as possible, there will be people who don’t like it, and there will be people who will come after you saying that you’re a terrible person for talking about all these things in public ways. And on, a few occasions, I’ve had people angry at me for sharing certain information. And that’s why there’s a block button. This is where some of the costs come in. Okay. Because I’ve talked about, like, you know, thought leadership and just your energetic leadership, your authenticity, your willingness to go first, your willingness to speak the truth that is going to reflect in your bank account absolutely 100%. the downside or the cost to that comes in relationships. Unfortunately, some of those relationships will be with friends and family members. So some time ago, I blocked my mom and my sister online because I didn’t want them keeping up with my life online. I also blocked their friends and their acquaintances that would sometimes comment on my posts. And the reason I did this was because I’d rather them obviously call or text me and have a real relationship that way. I didn’t want, you know, my mom popping in my, you know, commenting on my stories and being like, oh, yay, that’s great. Like, I didn’t even want that because it would just feel invasive. To my space to just have a family member commenting. I. They’re not part of my business. I don’t want them to be part of my business. you know, professionally speaking, for sure not. And I don’t need for them to know all of my personal business. So I want to, you know, I told them that I was going to block them. and I said, I’m, you know, not letting you see my stuff online, but I welcome you and I invite you to have a real relationship with me over text. We can talk over the phone. my online space is only for business.

Block family members and people that I didn’t necessarily want in my business

And, you know, I. I told them I want a real relationship with you. And online is. Is for my audience. It’s not the same quality of relationship that I want with my family members. Of course. Right. There’s levels. So blocking family members and people that I didn’t necessarily want in my business was very freeing because it gave me the courage to really share the things I believed were important to talk about without worrying how it would impact my family. It just really freed me up and it helped me open up, like, literally open up my throat chakra, let go of filters, let go of some, and be fully myself. Because let’s be even more honest. Okay? Our families don’t always see us or appreciate us as leaders or healers or speakers of truth, because they too, will be triggered by some of the things that you say, even if it has nothing to do with them. Oftentimes, family members relate to. May relate to you as a younger version of yourself or a former version of who you, you know, a former version of who you are. And their view of who you are isn’t always congruent with the way you see yourself or the way you want to be seen, Especially if you come from a dysfunctional family. Especially if you come from a family that. Where you haven’t had. You know, maybe there was, you know, even if there wasn’t overt abuse, maybe the dysfunctionality came in that, you know, they weren’t able to see you fully in your gifts. You weren’t appreciated for who you were. You were expected to be a good girl or a good boy or a good human, be a helper, you know, play a role more than, you know, you wasn’t enough. Right. So the way that you’re. You’re seen in your family of origin is, in fact, a lot of what you’re in the process of dismantling and peeling off or transforming. That’s why it’s important to create that space between them and your business. And, maybe they’re your biggest cheerleaders. And maybe, like, this isn’t relevant to you at all. In my case, it’s been really important to create a strong boundary between my online space, which is kind of like my business living room, and my family life and how much they know about me or don’t know about me. And on top of that, if you don’t come from a family of entrepreneurs, your family is not necessarily going to understand what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. you know, if you come from a family who of people who have had jobs their whole lives, they might think that you’re crazy for working as hard as you’re working without getting paid immediately for it. Right. And a lot of entrepreneurship, the return on energetic investment doesn’t happen until later. Sometimes it takes years for a business to be profitable. So the last thing you want is people around you who are going to be naysaying, excuse me, or inserting doubt into why you embarked on this path in the first place. And I recently had an experience with my father where he seemed upset that I was no longer practicing as a therapist. Like, I thought he was a safe person to share some, some entrepreneurial stuff with. Right. Some of my frustrations. And he. I realized in that conversation that he’s not yet wrapped his head around the fact that, you know, this entrepreneurial thing is really much more my jam, even though, you know, it has its, its hoopy moments. but he basically thinks that I threw away my education and relative stability for something risky like entrepreneurship. Like, he just doesn’t understand it. And I. That was a mistake, a judgment mistake on my part to, to think that he would get it. And, I think there was still a part of me hoping that he would, that he was like, with me, but he wasn’t. And it’s not because he doesn’t love me. Ah, Because I feel very much his love. It’s just that he doesn’t have the experience. you know, me having a therapy practice was for him the ultimate freedom. Being your own boss and making your own hours, which he was never able to do. But he doesn’t know what I know. Meaning that even though I’ve explained to him the reasons why having a therapy practice felt restrictive to me, he had not had that experience himself. So he doesn’t know it with his body. And you know what, Like I said, it’s not important for him to understand it. Maybe he’s always going to be confused that’s okay. The importance is for you to know why you embarked on the journey of entrepreneurship and to be anchored in your why, why this is important for you. Why it is important to have uncapped income, right? maybe it is uncapped income. Maybe it is more time freedom. Maybe it is being able to give back to other people in a different way. Maybe it is having a bigger influence. Maybe it’s creative freedom. Maybe you desire so much freedom you are unemployable. And maybe the freedom you want is simply the freedom to be yourself, which for me is one of the most beautiful legacies of liberation that we can leave behind, whether it’s in the online space or even as a parent. Because parenting is its own flavor of leadership. That is a form of power. And that will trigger people, that will trigger people who are closest to you, the people who are in, quote, supposed to love you. people that have been your friends.

As we enter the Age of Aquarius, Pluto is stationing direct

And as we enter the Age of Aquarius, right, Pluto is stationing direct on the 19th of November. This episode is coming out on the 1st. we are entering, you know, the Age of Aquarius, the what some people refer to as the Golden Age. And it’s really about like dismantling these old systems. and so much of what humanity has constructed is in the process of being taken down and being rebuilt. And that includes old models of leadership. it includes silence around abusive situations. for me it is always a call forward to step in and rise. all the rules about how to show up and how to be what you can talk about online and what you can’t. For me, it’s always about like more humanity in a world of automation and increasing optimization. And for some people, bringing their humanity and their business is only about how they take care of their bodies on the back end of their business, right, Their regulating practices. For some people it is about talking about their mental health and their, you know, their journey through entrepreneurship with mental health issues. For some people it is about, telling their story in the most truthful way without shame. you know, so the conclusion to all of this is that you do need to protect your peace online, or in whatever medium you use to express yourself. Because not everybody’s going to understand. Some people will have opinions about it. Certainly there are people who will be triggered. And of course some people will projectile vomit at you for it. And that’s why again, that block and bless button is such a, it’s such a gift to you and really use it, not from a place of like necessarily canceling people, because I don’t, I don’t believe in canceling. But just some people don’t get to have access to you energetically. Some people, it’s okay to say, hey, you don’t get to be in my business living room and leave it at that. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a boundaried person. And sometimes our boundaries will feel like walls to other people. The people who will see them as walls are usually people who want more access to your energy without really giving something in return. So that is what leadership will make you and cost you. Trust me, it is worth it. Leadership, like everything else, is a practice. Showing up, speaking your truth, feeling the woof, the vulnerability, hangover around that. Maybe you feel contracted. You take care of yourself and then you do it again, right? You. You practice flexing that muscle and over time, it will pay off. It will literally pay dividends because you will stand out. You will be one of the few people online who’s actually not pretending that shit’s okay. You will be one of the few people saying that, like acknowledging, for example, that you know that the system is partly the reason. Like, our money system is partly the reason why you’re experiencing your relationship with, with money the way that you are, right? It’s not about blaming the system, but about acknowledging the system and then making a personal decision based on that place. So is always important to speak your truth. That will look different for you than it does for someone else. But really, that is the point.

This is the Devotional Anarchy podcast. Thank you for listening

So that concludes this episode of, the Devotional Anarchy podcast. And I hope that it was as medicinal for you to receive as it was for me to give. I love you and take good care of yourselves. Thank you for listening to today’s episode. Remember to hit the subscribe button to get notified of new episodes dropping on the new and full moons of each month. And if you haven’t already, leave us a five star review on itunes to make sure that everyone who needs this transmission receives it. Until the next episode, I’m sending you fierce, fierce love.