6.13 | The Signs of Hidden Financial Abuse

>> Isha Vela: Welcome to Waking Up Wealthy, the podcast for visionaries and rebels who are ready to revolutionize their relationship with money and create powerful collective ripples with the money they make. I’m your host, Isha Vela, trauma psychologist, somatic practitioner, financial professional and minimalist, bringing you practical money tools, unconventional wealth perspectives, and Aquarian era business strategies to guide you in building wealth that’s aligned, ethical and empowering. Let’s wake up to the true meaning of wealth together. 

Hello and welcome to the Waking Up Wealthy podcast. I’m Isha Vela, psychologist, licensed financial strategist, somatic practitioner, and the founder of the Wealth Ecology Institute, where the inner and outer work of matriarchal economics meets ecological regeneration. And in this episode, I am going to share with you my personal experience of financial abuse. Because as I’ve been having conversations with women, I’ve just been hearing more and more of these stories. And what is showing up for me is not the overt signs, although there’s plenty of those. It’s more the subtle signs of financial abuse, which is partly my story. and I didn’t know I was in a financially abusive relationship until after I got out, after I ended my marriage. What I didn’t know was that I didn’t feel safe sharing money with him anymore in those last four years, particularly because there was an incongruence or a mismatch between how knowledgeable he sounded when he talked about money and his actual money behavior, which was paying the bills late, even though there was money to, in my account to pay them. being in debt, watching us go through boom and bust cycles, and there were lots of other, experiences or incongruences that showed up. And, yeah, so I’m going to share that story. And this is the second time that I’m recording this because the first time I was, I was struggling with the words. It felt vulnerable and exposing. And yeah, I didn’t feel quite grounded and I wanted to be more grounded when I recorded this. But before we get into the story, I want to share some statistics and kind of get a little bit deeper about why, why I’m sharing this now. And the first thing I want to say is that financial abuse isn’t rare. And the kind that gets recognized, the overt kind, is really only part of the story. In the United States, according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence in, financial abuse is present in 98% of intimate partner violence cases. Right. So if you’re being emotionally and physically abused, you can bet your ass that you are being financially abused as well. In the uk, one in six women has experienced financial abuse in a current or former relationship. And separately one in five women in the UK have experienced the broader category of economic abuse. In New Zealand it’s 15%. And in India, check this out. Coercive control shows up in nearly half of marriages. Almost double the rate of physical and emotional abuse alone. So high, high prevalence. And then like this financial abuse right after you escape it, there are devastating consequences. Some of them are survivors facing a two time risk of poverty like twice the risk of poverty as the average than the average. The homelessness risk jumps four times. 70% of women report severe mental health decline. That was the case for me and I’ll share some of that later. And the hidden fallout is the long lasting credit damage and losses averaging 33,000 USD. But the statistic that matters to me the most today, and I hope that matters to you, is out. of the women who experience financial abuse, only two in five recognize that it’s happening. And the pattern is built to be unrecognizable while you’re in it. It’s covert, right? And researchers call this an unrecognizable or unrecognized form of abuse. And for me it looked like years of confusion feeling like I was the problem when it was never mine to solve even though I had a part in it. And really this episode is for the three in five who are in it now and who may not be seeing it and hopefully this, this reaches you. So what it looked like on the inside for me. So for me my partner seemed broken somehow. and I say that intentionally obviously I don’t think people are broken. But there was a collapse that was there that I couldn’t quite put my finger on or understand. he was depressed, he was under earning and unable to work. in ways that were never quite verifiable. Like would get employed, would leave said employment or get fired or something would happen that the employment was not kept okay. And or the self employment never quite got off the ground even though there was funding of it. there were big dreams but not a lot of follow through. Despite supporting him financially and getting the business started. I remember there being deals that were being made and he would meet people and talk about deals and set up deals and as ah, they were approaching the sort of the closing date on that deal, it wouldn’t close, it would fall apart right at close. And for me there was always this like this novella quality of the oh My God, this is going to be it. This is the big breakthrough. We’re going to make it. Oh, my God, we’re this close. And then it would fall apart. And as things kept going and going, because this happened over years, I would be. I would end up carrying more and more each year because, you know, as I had the children, right then I had the. The caring for the children and then also the making of the money and, and the funding of the business, right? It was just all falling on me. And so this was just kind of like, part of what contributed to my burnout ultimately. And, yeah, this is just. These are just patterns that were happening in my relationship that I was kind of, like, noticing and kind of not noticing. Right. I wasn’t putting it together. And what else did I want to say about that? Okay, I’ll. I’ll say things as they come to me. They might be a little bit out of order, but the part that gets women, or has women stuck the longest is this. You know, when I would bring this up to him, or bring up the incongruences around, like, you say this, and yet the bills don’t get paid, or, why don’t you ask for the money? If you want to pay the bills instead of paying them late, just ask to get the money out of my account. Like, it’s that simple. And when I would say things like that or, when I would point out the incongruencies, he would come back with, you’re unsupportive of my dreams. You’re not patient. You don’t support me. You’re a bad wife. Right. That’s what I. That’s what I would hear. And there were all different ways of him saying that I was a bad partner because I was being, unsupportive and patient and critical of him, and why couldn’t I just accept him? And so I would shut down. Part of me would shut down because it was just like, I couldn’t bring things to him anymore because it was just. It would just get blown back my way. And so. And then I would work harder on accepting or being supportive. Right. And that kind of put me deeper into this financial fawning of, like, oh, well, let me help you. Right? And. And this is where the $30,000 I had in. In an account to kind of, like, fund my exit ended up going into his business as, like, business startup money because I wanted to be supportive. And he just got fired from his job, even though I was ready to make that divorce official. Right. And Then there was nothing to show for it. After those $30,000 were invested, there was no, no revenue, no real business signage. Like all the things that he said that he was going to use the money for, they hadn’t materialized. And you know, I also, you know, having been a, psychologist and being in private practice at the time, like, I, I put my analytic skills to work, right? I was like, well, you know, like, this is a fear of success. The deals keep like falling apart at the time of close. He must be afraid, he must be self sabotaging, right? So I’m looking for all of these psychological explanations because it’s, it’s much gentler, much easier than he’s being financially abusive. Like, there’s a part of him that he may not be aware that he’s doing it, but there is some intentionality there, whether he’s unaware of it or not. And you know, for a long time I kept asking myself, like, what are we doing wrong? Hey, real quick, before we get back to the episode, you keep saying you want an indigenous matriarchy now, and I believe you. And it’s going to require a relationship with money that’s completely outside of the TRADFI model and a body that’s mapped to ecological systems. So I made something for that. Flow is a matriarchal money masterclass followed by five emails over five days, each providing you an internal shift and a concrete action Step to match walks you through the somatic and ancestral patterns running the show and the structures that let money move through communication Community. Instead of stagnating in scarcity, by the end of the week, you’ll be moving money like a matriarch. So find the link in the show notes, sign up, and flow will come straight to your inbox. Okay, let’s get back to it. Like, why is it that we are in the situation and you know, like, what is it? And and when you ask like, what you’re doing wrong, that is absolutely a, a shame question, right? The shame always asks what’s wrong with you? And so I would ask myself, like, what’s wrong with us that we can’t get this going? Like, what’s the deal? And so, you know, when, when these, these questions of, hey, I’m noticing these incongruencies get met with you’re not supportive or you’re a bad wife or you’re a bad partner, unsupportive partner. Like this rage of, like, things haven’t changed. I’ve, I’m working my ass off. I’m feeling burnt out, right? This is where the rage comes up. Because you know when bodies burn out, that’s what happens. Like they’re, they’re inflamed and they’re angry. So I didn’t have I couldn’t bring my rage to him because that would be more of me being unsupportive. But I would go on my morning dog walks and those dog walks were like rage exorcisms, right? They were a way to just kind of me like get back into my heart and just kind of like let some of it go because I couldn’t actually name what was causing the rage. Like I just felt ragey all the time and I didn’t have like a, ah, like a trigger or a. This is the source of. It was just, I’m just frustrated with the situation but I didn’t know what the contribution to that situation was. And I also felt really isolated because I couldn’t really tell my friends about it because I didn’t have the language for what was happening because I didn’t, couldn’t identify what was happening. And because of the shame, I was also kind of embarrassed because a lot of my friends, they had nice houses, they lived a middle class life and we were kind of like trying to stay middle class or like barely hanging on to middle class or like, like fringe middle class or something. And so yeah, it was just, it felt like I couldn’t really bring it anywhere. And so I was just kind of like it was just swirling around in my body all the time and it was like my head was always like preoccupied with like, why are we doing this and why are we doing that? Like what’s going on? So the moment it became undeniable was when I was at one of my friends homes and this friend of mine was also a psychologist and made good money as I did. And they had a lot more to show for it. They were just like, they lived a much more comfortable lifestyle. They were able to travel, which I wasn’t at the time and they didn’t seem stressed. And I went home and I was like, that was the first time. Instead of asking myself what’s wrong with us or what’s wrong with me? I was like, something’s wrong here. Something is not adding up. And that moment I remember like standing by the side of my bed and being like, what, what is something’s wrong here. And, and again, that $30,000 that I said like yes, use the money. And I didn’t think that he was you. You’d Use all the money. But yes, like, at the end they were $30,000 were gone and they were late bills pays, bills that were still being paid late. And yeah, and I saw, like, I did finally peer into the finances as he was asking me to do this whole time. And I was like, oh, my God. I saw all the late payments, all the late payments that ended up being like thousands of dollars in late payments that we could have been using to pay down the debt, for example. And so I was really just like, okay, this is sabotage. And there were other signs of sabotage, like, because I, was doing well in my career as a therapist and I was facilitating workshops and doing this and that. I was doing well. But before the workshops, he would bring something up that would activate me and I would go to the workshop activated. And it was out of jealousy. It was out of sabotage. And I, you know, I understood the jealousy part and I was started feeling like, oh, yes, this is sabotage. And then sort of the bigger patterns of sabotage, I began to see those as well. So, so I. It wasn’t so much like, oh, he’s self sabotaging in this unconscious way. It was just really obvious at some point. And I was able to then say like, okay, this is like, yes, I had a part in it. I definitely gave up my financial power. I definitely neglected my finances. And. Right. It’s not just about me. and the hard part about all this was that when, like when I left the relationship is when the financial abuse became really obvious. And, yeah, when we entered the divorce process, it was, it was. It became really bad. And we first started seeing a, A mediator. And I was like, oh, this is going to be great. We’re going to see the mediator. We’re just going to split everything in half. And you do you over there and I do me, and. But then, you know, there was the, the I’m, thinking in Spanish. Like, he just put on the brakes and he just kind of like, stuck his ground, his heels in is what I wanted to say. And he was like, nope, we’re going to escalate the process. You get your lawyer, I get mine. And I was like, oh, right. Like, no, let’s not do that. But yes, that escalated the legal process. That’s when the money that I had made from our home sale, because I didn’t want to be tied energetically to him, we owned it both together. yeah, the money from that home sale then went to pay the lawyer because of this escalation. So that Was gone. and then there was an extension of the legal process, right? Like, we would be close to signing. And then it’s like, no, but let me see this. Or you need to do that. Or there was another thing like. Or he wouldn’t sign the papers. And we’re like, I’m texting. Well, do you sign the papers? And he’s like, well, I have to look them over. I’m going to read. I’m going to bring it to my lawyer first. And I was like, okay. You know, and then there was like the, the. The subtle sabotage signs or just this, this digging their heels in and sort of squeezing was. They were kids, expenses that needed to be paid. Clothing, winter jackets, shoes, school supplies. There they were always things that I paid first or upfront because I was the woman, organizing all these things. And I had to justify like, oh, yeah, I bought them these clothes. And I was like, he. And then he was like, no, well, I bought them clothes too, so let’s just call it even. And I was like, no, I actually bought this many clothes and just pay me half it. Just let’s keep it really even. I want it to be like, really, really anally. Retentively. Anally retentive even, because I didn’t want any. Anything owed to the other party, right. I didn’t want there to be any energetic tie between us. But then he would say, no, I’m not going to pay you. No, you’re on your own for that. I buy them clothes too, so forget about it. there would be. We had this loan, in common. our names were both on this loan that he had taken out when we first started, not first started dating, but when we were first married. He had wanted to start another business and he used my credit score to open a line of credit. This was when I was in graduate school. And that was a moment of financial fawning that I shared in another episode. But, the point is, is that by him not paying, on the balance of this. Of this debt, it was ruining my credit. He was ruining his credit, but he was ruining mine as well. And he had committed to paying that while as part of our divorce proceeding. And I was paying the taxes that he owed and he was paying that line of credit and. And by him not paying that line of credit, my credit tanked and I lost my credit cards. Basically, I couldn’t use my credit cards. I basically wasn’t eligible for any credit cards. It limited my mobility in terms of being able to move into a New apartment. Because my credit score was so bad, no landlord wanted to deal with me at all. this definitely affected my mental health, is not. Not having that mobility and feeling, like, powerless in that situation really messed with me. And, again, because I didn’t have credit cards and I didn’t have, I didn’t have an ability to. To obtain credit, and to pay in. In segments, I had to afford what I bought. there were no payment plans. and I learned so much during that period of, like, just buy what you can, what you can afford. And I’m grateful for the learning because, yeah, it really helped me stay within my means. But then there was also this process of, like, this extraction process, right? Like, this is what extraction looks like in a divorce process. And there was this, like, squeezing, like, wherever there was power, that power would get squeezed. And I had to cope by staying full, right? Because there was this extraction, I was like, no, I got to fill myself up. I got to stay abundant because I didn’t want to feel emptied out because that would. Would have been, like, defeat for me. And that’s where I really developed my practice of abundance and worked on my scarcity. And this is, like, what I teach to this day. so it’s like, it’s through those experience where, like, some of the biggest gifts come to you. And it felt like at the time, you know, it’s one of those things. And by the time the, divorce was final, I was at zero, pretty much. I was living off the last little pieces of the homes, the home sale, savings, plus what I was. Whatever I was making from coaching, I was still making an income and just enough. Right. and a year later is when I joined the Vortex Financial Collective. mostly because I didn’t want other women to make the same mistakes I did. Partly because I didn’t want to be a solopreneur anymore, but mostly because I wanted to be uncontrollable and ungovernable financially. And, you know, getting revenge in my own way was a lot of my motivation in those first years of the business was kind of like, I’m gonna make this freaking money, and I’m gonna get out from under this. And it really was the fuel. And I got out. Like, literally got out. So I just want to say that in there too. It’s like, let that be your fuel. so let’s, like, let’s kind of bring it together. I wanted to just kind of name the signs. Like, there’s. There’s under earning, under earning or not earning at all. I’ve seen some, some partners, who are depressed, disabled, or seemingly disabled, maybe because of a learning disability. in any case, they’re collapsed and they’re letting the woman do all the work. And I’m speaking specifically of heterosexual relationships, but this can happen in any relationship. There are dreams that never turn into action despite ongoing support or deals that repeatedly close at the last moment. There are bills that are paid late. There’s like, mismanagement of finances. Right, you are being called unsupportive. Even when you name sort of the incongruence or the inconsistency, there’s chronic confusion about where the money goes. Like, wait, you bought what? Or what are you doing with the money? Or didn’t I just get paid? And why is it leaving? And then you also, like, I want to name sort of the. Beyond the confusion, there is potentially a rage that either you are letting out, or pushing down and it’s coming out sideways in all sorts of ways. And I want to share with you now as well some stories, that I’ve been collecting and that I can share with permission, on the podcast because I asked women to share their signs of a subtle and some overt financially abuse, situations. And so I’m going to read them to you. I have them written down on a paper in front of me. So. My father used to tease my mom that she couldn’t pay a bill or manage money in front of us. Right in front of the mom. The father would say this. I, believe her insecurity ultimately kept her from leaving him with four kids because he effectively made her believe she couldn’t survive. She had a PhD. Another example would be he would constantly freak about, about. Freak out about money in front of us and consult complex spreadsheets, making money seem like a mysterious and complicated thing that only he could deal with. Another example is he would guilt trip me by saying, this is for your family. You should trust me and finally let go of your savings by giving your money to me. He told me that he’d do XYZ with the money and then never did. And I never saw the money again. He refused to let me file our taxes or hire someone. Every year we were getting further behind filing until we finally divorced. We owed the IRS almost 60k. that was me too, which I was responsible for half of walking on eggshells when I ordered delivery. Hiding from him to get my delivery. Just general complacency by the father of my kids around the invisible financial Penalties faced by mothers who will become default parents. Things like paying theirs but not paying their partner’s pension contributions when on maternity leave unless asked. And, being met with some level of aggression at that lack of consideration around budgeting for compensation slash reparations for the impact motherhood has had on career prospects. Yes, this is totally huge. I totally get that. Absolutely. what else a lot of women said, and I really felt this one. It’s a discipline not to let anger and resentment gnaw at you from the inside. So there is a shit ton of spiritual work that goes into not hardening your heart and not becoming, like, bitter, and calcified in the process. Right. To stay open, to stay loving towards your children, to, you know, all of those things. That is like deep, deep spiritual work. Somebody else said he makes £90, £90,000 annually. Somebody from England sits on considerable assets, investments and savings while I spend my secretly saved house deposit to escape from his home, saying that planning is not for him. But then I couldn’t make any plans myself because I had to intervene to cover his expenses. Expenses. And then it would come. And then when it came time to ask, the same day of the deadlines, giving me no choice, I felt very much abused. One thing that I’ve experienced as well when I sit down with women in relationships with men is that, you know, the women are financially curious. They’re curious about investing. And the, And the partner, the male partner comes on kind of with this like, I don’t know about you. There’s a mistrust of a woman. Financial professional, a fem. Financial professional. And there’s this kind of. There’s this blocking action or this digging in of heels of like, well, I don’t know you. I don’t know what you’re here to do. Like, they feel threatened just because I’m talking to their. To their girlfriends or their partners or their wives. And then when you start to look at the numbers and because I’ve been through this experience, I look at the numbers and I was like, bro, what the fuck are you doing with the money? And oftentimes these guys have ridiculously expensive hobbies like motocross and they’re buying another motorcycle, when it’s like, oh, my gosh, you are in a financial recovery state. You need to be putting your money this way. Right? And they’re talking about money like, I. They have some sort of authority, and yet it’s not going to things it’s supposed to be going to where they’re not also investing or they’re not creating a, backup savings account and things like that. So, yes, there’s a lot of time. There are a lot of times where the men in the relationships, they block the, the, you know, when the woman is getting educated financially, they will block that. I’ve seen that. I can’t freaking count how many times. I can’t count how many times. It happens more often than not. Let me tell. Okay, so this is where, you know, working with women directly and being a woman, professional is so important in working with women and letting them know these signs, like this is part of the blocking. It is the threat to their control, right, Their financial control, as subtle as it may be, because men are taught to be in control and they have to fake being in control. when they don’t know about finances, a lot of times they know. Both parties know very little about the finances, except one is pretending that they know when they don’t. All right, so how do you get out? So I want to, you know, say that if you are. If you’re in the U.S. and Canada, especially if you’re in the U.S. my team and I used to help with get the out plans, whether it was getting the out of the country or getting the fuck out of a relationship, I used to help with those. but my team can take care of you. Just make an appointment. The link is in my bio. We do a financial needs analysis. Let people know. Let them know that you want to get the fuck out and they will strategize a plan with you. So my get the fuck out plan was I started stashing money, right? I had those $30,000 in the account. When that got used up, I’m just like any, any legitimate and kind of visible way I’m going to save money is going to get used up because there’s never enough. This is where the scarcity is just got. It just gets sucked and sucked and sucked and sucked and sucked. So what I did was some of my therapy clients would pay me in cash. Their co pays, and I saved up that money over two years. And then once I separated, I kept it in a very special place in my office where nobody could find it. And then when the separation became official, when it got filed, I put that money in a SEP ira. Okay. I put that money in, in an investment account towards my retirement. And let’s see, what else did I do? Yeah, I mean, I kept it hidden. you know, I had it in. I started that. I started my own checking account once the separation was filed. And Then I put that money into, like, Vanguard or Fidelity, one of those accounts. And I also reached out to Community. I was in my, you know, by that time I had gone through my somatic training and I was, you know, through my own, you know, healing of trauma, began to see the signs or began to see patterns, better, become a better pattern detector. And there were a lot of people in that community who knew of some of the issues and were not, you know, wouldn’t say, like, oh, you’re being financially abused, but knew that I was frustrated, knew that I was raging. I mean, I, like, I released so much rage in those four years. And, they knew what I was, what I was going through. And then I started to talk about it and I started to say, look, I’m saving up this money and doing this and doing that and I’m leaving. And, you know, so I started to talk to people about it. And so I had that support from Community where I felt like, wow, I’m transitioning out of this. It feels super scary. I can’t imagine what my life looks like, you know, without being in this partnership. What about my kids? Da, da, da, da, da. But I had a whole bunch of Community to lean into. And other women who are. Were also going through divorce or who had gone through divorce who were able to guide me, right? The old. The old mother mages and the. And the crones. And, you know, one thing that’s really challenging, it’s very sad, is that while I was being extracted from. During this, during the divorce process and the extension of the divorce process, I would often tell my lawyer who I specifically hired because she was like a bulldog when it came to, like, not being a permissive lawyer. The mediator was kind of like, not seeing the pattern. But. But my lawyer was like, no, he’s not going to get that money. We’re going to split it and we’re going to do this, we’re going to do that. She was very sharp, but she wasn’t able to do anything about the financial abuse. And which was really frustrating to me because I would tell everyone, like, once I detected the pattern, I wanted to tell everyone about it. I was like, no, this is financial abuse. This is getting extended. He’s not paying me back on the shared expenses. What can I do about it? And the sad part is that not a lot could be dope could be done about it. they weren’t able to prove it, or it didn’t kind of fit in with the case. And. And she would say, oh, we’re almost done with it. I know that she had the best intentions, but I really wish that that would have been named in court. Anyway, the divorce proceeding ended up being like very easy at the very, very end because there was like a giving up. I think that at some point he gave up and it was like, wait, what? It’s done? And I signed the papers and it was done. But again, like, you know, if you are in a situation like this, see if you have a friend who is financially savvy who can sit down with you and figure out ah, GTFO plan. And yeah, and if you’re in the US like sit down with one of my, with one of my team members please. And there, these are complimentary financial strategies so you don’t have to pay us at all. You know, we do it if it helps get a. And free. We want to do it. but yeah, if you live in, in one of the other countries, any other country in the world, please, please consult with a friend. Ask a friend of a friend who is a financial consultant or who is someone who’s gone through this experience themselves. Ask around and you will find a woman. Because of the high prevalence of financial abuse, you will find a woman who has gone through the process. I recently hung out. Check this out. I recently hung out with two women in my world schooling community. And we just happened to come together because we all had teenagers. And it turns out that we were all financially abused. And we’re sitting at the table together and three out of three and we were like, isn’t that interesting? And so that really is part of what sparked this episode is because I was like, oh yeah, this is a lot more prevalent and I need to talk about it more. So even though the lawyers aren’t always able to do anything about the abuse, there are people, right? Whether it’s people that are supporting the custody process or people who are, could be neighbors or it could be friends of friends or financial professional friends of friends. Find your people, gather your people and really in your community, check who is resourced and see like who can help me? Like what, what type of resources do I have in community right now? So, so yes, so I’ll leave it here and I would love for you to in your way, if you want to continue sharing your story, if you need witnessing, please send me a DM over Instagram. You can also send me an email. I welcome your stories. If this has been impactful for you, if you feel like, oh my God, I’m being financially abused. Please reach out to me and let’s at least talk and let me witness you. You know that’s what I’m here for. So thank you for listening today. I would love it if you shared this with your community, with someone you think is being financially abused and who may not see it. for that three and five, send it along and let’s contribute to our collective awakening. Thank you for listening to today’s episode. Remember to hit the subscribe button to get notified of new episodes dropping on the new and full moons of each month. And if you haven’t already, leave us a five star review on itunes to make sure that everyone who needs this transmission receives it. Until the next episode, I’m sending you fierce, fierce love.